Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Made in Chelsea NYC: Episode 2 - Alex, the Plastic Destroyer

WAH WAH, WAHWAH. WAH WAH, WAHWAH.

That spine-chilling music can only mean one thing; it's time for Made in Chelsea NYC, Episode 2.

To make things more bearable, this week I will be getting drunk as I 'enjoy' the episode.

LET'S GO.

Previously on MiC NYC

Let's relive all those moments we barely cared about last week!

- The moment when London collectively cringed and shrugged apologetically at New York.

"Oh God... I'm so sorry guys... honestly we all hate them here too..." - London

- The moment Louise asked Leather Guy to find a date for Rosie and he pulled this face:

"Ummmm..."

- ...And the moment CLAUDIA WINKLEMAN.

What you doin' here Claudia Winkleman?

This week's QOTD comes from Spencer, who is seemingly seeking some sort of redemption by making nonsensical comments about biology.

David Prattenborough.

STREET SIGNS, FLAGS, BUILDINGS, STREET SIGNS, STREET SIGNS!

Bob, Stevie and American Candy Parents Lady are on a date threesome.

Although, judging by the hand-holding, Bob and Stevie would prefer it if she wasn't there.

They get pretzels because NEW YORK.

And then they 'cheers' said pretzels because IDIOTS.

Stevie attempts to woo Willy Wonka's daughter by freely admitting that he has multiple personalities, one of which is a 'bad boy' persona named Stefan he has created especially for New York.

Because nothing says 'badass' like a schizophrenic named Stefan.

Wisely, Lady Tangfastics makes a swift exit.

STREETS! LEAVES! JUICE!

Spencer is having an unspecified snack with Binky. Binky looks about as pleased to be there as you can imagine.

"WHYYYYYYY?"

In fact Spencer has become so annoying that even he can't help but flick himself in the face.

That looks so satisfying, gimme a go.

He bangs on about how much he'd like a shot at love with the queen of Candy Mountain. 

"SHUT. UP." responds Binky, excellently. 

"WHY AM I HERE?"

BUILDINGS! STREET SIGNS! EAGLES!

Eagles?

FENCE!

I know this is the same shot of the same fence as last week but I still really appreciate them putting it in just for me.

Elsewhere, Rosie and Louise are about to embark on their double date with Leather Man Alik and his mysterious friend. The girls worry about who Alik will bring.

Luckily it turns out Rosie didn't need to fret as, instead of bringing a real life person, Alik has opted to bring a cutout from the latest Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.

Unluckily it's from one of the rubbish pages at the back.

"SO THANKS FOR MEETING US GUYS COOL. You guys are both very beautiful." begins Alik, who seems like a weird guy.

He has both the diminutive stature and the intense creepiness of a leather-selling Tom Cruise.

His friend isn't much better. As you know from my opinions on Legohead, men with pristine hair freak me the hell out.

ARGH WHAT.

Attempting to change the subject, Rosie admits she's never done this before.

It's hard to tell whether she means blind dates or just dates in general.

(Just kidding Rosie, I remember that time you nearly saw Francis' penis. That definitely probably counted as a date.)

Alik's friend is called Jules but describes himself as Ernest.

What is it with New York and Dissociative Identity Disorder? 

The girls invite the Creepy Twins to Fran and Cheska's leaving party (so I guess Fran and Cheska are leaving?).

"I WOULD LOVE TO QUESTION MARK." says Alik.

Seriously, he's like if all of Ross Gellar's worst attributes had a love child with Max Fischer. 

Meanwhile, Mark Francis and Victoria go to a church.

I'm 89% sure they're going to burst into flames as they cross the threshold.

Sadly hellfire doth not rain upon them (perhaps God was too busy regretting that time he lost a bet with Satan and was forced to create Spencer).

Instead they wax lyrical about faith and religion.

Aaaanytime now, hellfire.

Talking of bullshit, Jamie is at Lucy's flat blabbering on about how he's been 'wounded' by too many nights out in New York.

I'm happy to actually wound you if you like? For comparison.

He is also still hanging on to his juvenile idea of the 'boy code', although I still don't really understand what the boy code entails outside of shouting 'booiiii' every so often.

Someone else comes in. I don't know who she is.

Or why she's dressed like a Victorian sex worker.

Back to Binky and Spencer!

Binky says she's friends with everyone now except Jamie. She's especially glad she's had the chance to make up with Cheska as Cheska now has to return to London for work.

"...work?"

Forget about Jamie, Binks. You've got bigger problems.

Big-haired, yellow, plastic problems.

We take a break for a little #fencewatch...

Clearly offended by my comment that NYC fences are inelegant, the city gives us some full frontal of this beauty.

...before we go back to Binky, who is about to have an experience more painful than accidentally stepping on a Lego.

HIS HAIR IS EXPANDING?!

Hilariously, he tells Binky he wants to see her and that he will be 'in Central Park at 9 p.m.'

This is how big Central Park is, just FYI. 

At least give the poor girl some sort of a map or something Alex, for God's sake.


"You are NOT going to see him." exclaims Rosie. "You're coming to Cheska's with us and hopefully no one will tell Alex where we are."

Binky wonders how likely that is, on a scale of 1 to Rosie ever getting a boyfriend.

LEAVES! FLOWERS! FENCE!

This episode is definitely improving with wine.

I should have known better than to laugh at the possibility of people bumping into each other in Central Park. This is Made in Chelsea after all so, naturally, Lucy bumps into Jules. 

Who just happens to be the new love interest of her enemy Rosie. 

This is about as natural as Katie Price's face. 

Nighttime New York yields fence aplenty but we must tear ourselves away from it and head to Freska's leaving party.

Only Fran and Cheska could a) leave in the second episode and b) be sitting alone at their own party.

Jules and Alik turn up to meet Rosie and Louise. Lucy is 'shocked' to see that Rosie's date is the same guy she met in the park! 

I can't tell if her lack of genuine surprise comes from her being a robot or because she's already read the script.

Lucy wanders over to join BonBonBillie, Stefan and Girl(?) for a chat. 

Stefan seems very SWEET on Billie. Girl(?) seems annoyed by this for some reason. 

Who is she and why is she so pissed off?
Nobody knows.

Back to Rosie and Louise's double date, which is going terribly as Alik seems to have wandered off while Jules openly calls the girls wankers to their faces. 

That is just rude.

Binky is moaning about Alex to anyone who'll listen, in this case Spencer. 

"Ohmygad gurl he did whaaaat! Guys are such assholes!"

Talking of the plastic-postiched one, he is waiting somewhere in the park for Binky to turn up. 

Good job you've got those sunglasses Alex, with all that sunshine around.

Back at the party, Rosie and Louise have ditched their dates for Fran and Cheska who apparently have to leave New York because of some weird reason beginning with 'J'?

Jorbs?

They discuss Binky and Alex. The girls don't reckon Binky will cave and meet up with him.

Except of course she fucking does.

Who could resist a game of Find The Legoman in Central Park??

Oh. Well that was easy. 

She must've seen my map.

They discuss their relationship. 

I'll be honest, it's hard to concentrate on what they're saying with Alex showing off such banging cleavage.

From what I can gather while not staring at Alex's tits, Alex would like Binky to just understand that his life would be so much more pleasant if she didn't insist on being so angry at him about all the orgies and the cheating and stuff.

I think Alex went to the Spencer Matthews School of Logic.

Back at the party, Jules is "very" "surprised" to bump into Lucy at a party for the cast of the show he is probably now contractually obliged to be in. 

"Oh my God! No way! What are you doing here? I didn't think we were supposed to get together until like Episode 4!"

Anyway, forget all that, shit's about to go down. You know how Jamie was crying in last week's preview for this episode? I think we're about to find out why!

His sweet shop has burned down?
All of the sweet shops have burned down??

Apparently it's something to do with Legohead.

Jamie marches off into the night to find him.

Haha, good luck Jamie! You didn't even know Alex was in New York five minutes ago, how are you going to find him in one of the world's biggest cities?!

Oh.

He must've seen my map too.

Jamie is on the WAR. PATH.

What could Alex have possibly done??

Apparently... HE HOOKED UP WITH JAMIE'S EX, TARA. 

...who?

Binky walks off and Jamie goes absolutely batshit. 

Jamie.

Jamie who tried to go out with Louise after she broke up with Spencer. Jamie who told Binky he loved her then dumped her the next morning. Jamie who cheated on Tara with Lucy. Jamie who dropped Lucy for Phoebe then tried to get back together with Lucy after he found out Phoebe had a boyfriend. Jamie who hired a fucking horse-drawn carriage to win Lucy back at Christmas only to cheat on her a week later. 

BUT THIS POSSIBLE ONE NIGHT STAND THING IS CROSSING A LINE GODDAMMIT.


Jamie bursts into tears and weeps that he would never do this to Alex. 

Except he sort of trails off at the end because even he knows he actually probably would. 

Then it's the morning after the fight before. 

Oblivious to everyone's problems, the Statue of Liberty sets off on a nice boat ride.

WOAH, WHITE FENCE? 

This is undoubtedly the most shocking moment of the episode.

Spencer is on a date with Billie.

There is so much awkward silence that most of this scene is just ships honking in the background.

COBBLES! FENCE!

At their apartment, Binky is telling Louise and Rosie about what happened with Alex.

"Then, after three days of wandering around Central Park, I finally managed to find him."

The girls are shocked to hear about Alex and Tara. Especially since everyone knows Tara was so special to Jamie.

"I mean he only cheated on her once, that really means something."

Suddenly Jamie himself turns up at the door.

He's been out drinking for so long that he's turned into Hugh Grant.

Jamie is here to apologise to Binky. He realises that he's been a douche and that he can be a bit of a prick sometimes. 

No, really?

FLAGS! BUILDINGS! BUILDINGS! BOYS PLAYING POKER!

Made in Chelsea could definitely do with being about 20 minutes shorter.

The boys have a really boring and sexist conversation about girls, the end.

Except oh my God, it's STILL not the end. Next, Alex buzzes Jamie's intercom. 

"WHERE IS THAT VOICE COMING FROM?"

To my surprise, Alex makes the same argument as me, pretty much repeating my speech listing all of Jamie's infidelities. 


However he kind of loses the moral high ground when his biggest complaint is that Jamie keeps ratting him out to all the girls he's cheated on.

Yeah, bye Alex.

Except it's STILL NOT BYE ALEX. Now there's some stupid scene where Binky takes Fran and Cheska to the airport only to bump into stupid Legohead AGAIN.

Just, FUCK OFF.
And I mean that indiscriminately about this whole episode.

Luckily Binky decides to get in her taxi and leave without talking to him.

THEN IT'S FINALLY THE END. I have actually managed to get drunk, sober up and develop a hangover in the eternity that this episode took to finish.

GOD.

Let's see what happens next week.

Next week on Made in Chelsea

- Claudia Winkleman is made the new host of Surprise Surprise and Binky is the first contestant.

"What do you mean a tomato is a fruit?!"

- Rosie dresses up as the child Macaulay Culkin and Anna Chlumsky would have had in My Girl if Macaulay Culkin hadn't died. 

Sorry if I just ruined that film for you.

- ...and Jules shows us his jewels.

WEEEEY.
But also, ew. 

See you there kids!