Monday, 29 October 2012

X Factor Live Show #4: The Halloween Special -- so bad, it's frightening.

Last week saw the sad departure of Charlie and Sim, otherwise known as MK1.

Luckily for them, they seemed to give all of zero fucks about leaving, demonstrated by their getting absolutely off their faces Sunday night and -- in what had to have been the most baffling end to any trip -- gurning their way on to Daybreak the following morning having neglected to get any sleep.

Turns out MK1 actually stands for MDMA, Ketamine and 1 small unidentified pill from Louis Walsh in the men's toilets. 

Just say no, kids. 

It's the Halloween special! Since the widely accepted rule for Halloween costumes is sexy+anything=outfit, Dermot and his sexy band of sex workers are dressed up as sexy demons!

Or slutty business men? I don't even know. 

I can't help but feel that the pumpkins, green slime and lightning effects are slightly unnecessary seeing as what this show is doing to modern culture is frightening enough as it is. Also why can't anyone think of a scary song that isn't Michael Jackson's Thriller? Baby by Justin Bieber is terrifying.

The judges have followed the 'teenagers at a Halloween party' rule re: costumes. As in, the boys haven't bothered to dress up at all, half the girls look slutty and the other half look slightly mental. 

Tits 'n' teeth/...Predator?

What is this? Lucy is ill? Yep, our favourite bacchanalian balladeer has been deemed too unwell to perform this week and will get an automatic ticket to next week's show because she's still doing quite well on iTunes. 

In fact, she was almost too ill to dress up as a pumpkin and make out with Rylan in a nightclub two days before the show but she pushed through.

The creepier of the two men coming down your chimney this winter: it's Kye Sones! 

It looks like Gary's smugness is contagious as Kye admits he was 'confused' to be in the bottom two.

Really? Dick Van Dyke was a better singing chimney sweep. 

To liven things up a bit, Kye wants to do Robbie Williams' Let Me Entertain You. Gary admits that this song reminds him of the brief window in which he was jealous of Robbie Williams' career. 

Then everything got okay again. 

Talk of the devil! It's only bloody King Robbie himself, popping in to give Kye some advice!

Fact: Robbie Williams once went to rehab because he was addicted to Lucozade

Kye is sporting what I can only assume is the first incidence of the shit-ton of guy-liner that's going to feature in this episode. Or, in his case, it could just be the trade affliction known as Soot-eye. 

Soot-eye and sweep. 

Everyone thinks he's back with a bang except Louis but no one cares what Louis thinks because when he says 'X Factor' it sounds like 'Eggs Factor'. 

Union J are up next and apparently life for them is BANANAS. 

Life through the eyes of Union J. 
Looks more 'fucking awful' than 'bananas'.

Somehow these buffoons get to attend the premiere of the brand new James Bond film Skyfall.

What you see when you look up 'unfair' in the dictionary. Also 'talentless whine-merchants'.

Union J have become such megastars that they sing their song -- Beautiful Nightmare by Beyoncé -- from atop an old Ford Sierra.

Rock. And. Roll.

To the backdrop of changing dashboard imagery. 

Nothing sexier than a speedometer. 

It's pretty hard to concentrate on what the judges say afterwards because they seem to be afflicted by a blocked chimney somewhere in the studio.

Fuck's sake Kye. Sort it out. 

Looking vaguely like a plastic Halloween mask: it's Rylan!

ARRGHHHH

He's well hapz because Kylie Minogue and Robbie Williams like him. 

Yeah, well they also thought the song Kids was a good idea so don't get too comfortable. 

It's Rylan's birthday this week!

Nicole surprises him by crashing his birthday party dressed as Jodie Marsh going to the shops. 

Nicole and 'The Boys'

Rylan's performance begins with a group of monks trying to magick some talent in to him.

It's. Not. Working. Must. Sell. Souls. To. Cowell. 

He's singing Toxic by Britney, bitch. On the premise that blonde weirdos tend to do quite well on X Factor, Rylan is blonde now.

Worked for Rhydian, RIP (is he dead? Who knows). 

Rylan launches into a medley of other songs I can't really identify and gives Gary a lap dance for a bit because, children, that's how you get someone to like you. 

See how much Gary likes Rylan now? Lapdancing: making friends out of enemies since 1971.

Time for Louis' 'You Remind Me Of A Young...' of the week. This time it's Jean Paul Gaultier. 

Sure.

Rylan vows that, if he gets through to next week, he'll set aside the big performances in favour of a simple song to show off his vocal talent. Best get the monks a-prayin' again then. 

Adele-a Henderson brags that she is having the best time ever EVEN THOUGH she is the youngest contestant on the show, as though that's some sort of achievement.

Being young and having a good time are the opposite of mutually exclusive, Ella.  

She gets to meet Robbie and we get to be treated to some pretty shocking pictures of early Take That. 

"Take That!" said the hairdresser as he threw the entire bottle of bleach on Gary's head.

She also gets to go to the Skyfall premiere but I'm less resentful because at least she sang the theme song for it. 

Hang on a minute...

This week Ella will be singing Wake Me Up Inside by Evanescence while being dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. 

Or rather the deleted scene from Little Red Riding Hood where she's running through the woods and a glittery bird's nest falls on her head. 

She is good as ever but her backing vocals seem to have been provided by those electronic voices you messed around with on the keyboard when you were supposed to be learning Blue Danube in Year 8 Music.

Everyone is very complimentary although Louis doesn't like her hair. Ella looks like she doesn't give a shit, presumably because Sam Mendes said he was a fan.

Singing cockles and mussels alive, alive oh -- it's sweet Molly Maloney. 


Gary wants to know if he still gets as nervous as he used to. Like Gareth Gates' stammer, however, Christopher's pity-inducing shaking is apparently no longer necessary to win him votes and thusly has dissipated like fog on the Mersey. 

Instead of Walter from the Muppets, this week Christopher has opted for more of a Halloween-appropriate Count von Count look. 

How many votes will he get? One, ha, ha, ha. 

He's singing Died In Your Arms by Cutting Crew while one of the staff searches in vain for his fan base in the audience. 

"Any luck? Should I mention I'm from Liverpool again?"

Tulisa puts those pointy teeth to good use with some catty remarks about how all Christopher does is destroy cheesy eighties classics. 

Shit. Hits. The. Fan.

Gary responds that he doesn't know what's offended him more, Tulisa's comments or her 'fag-ash breath'.

The answer is actually c) Her sex tape.

Gary has obviously never learnt the golden rule of dealing with chavs. Always be polite when they talk to you or they'll steal your phone and beat the crap out of you at the back of the N207. 
Or, in this case, make accusations that you're an alcoholic by telling everyone they can smell red wine on your breath.

That thing in her left hand is Gary's iPhone. 

Like an embarrassed child watching its parents argue, Dermot moves us swiftly on to District 3 who are showing off their new member: The Cat In The Hat. 

Or the teenie weenie tit in a beanie. 

The choreographers are making them chuck canes around in the hopes that they'll bludgeon themselves to death, leaving Louis to focus on the more popular Union J. 

"Maybe we should make it knives just to be sure."

They're singing Every Breath You Take by The Police and their costume theme is A Clockwork Orange, a choice which I feel is very appropriate. 

In that I'd like to tie them to chairs and force them to listen to Beethoven. 

They move into the slightly more modern but just as boring Monster by Ne-Yo while, in the background, their graves have already been prepared for them. 


Gary is fed up off mash-ups. So am I. Hopefully a career tribute will pick them off soon. 

Not content with getting motherfucking snakes off motherfucking planes, Samuel L. Jackson wants motherfucking crybabies at his motherfucking parties as he has invited Jahmene to sing at a charity event. 

This is Samuel L Jackson filming Jahmene on his phone. The world has tipped upside down. The end is nigh. 

WHAT. Is going ON. Also does anyone else find it really weird seeing Samuel L Jackson without his hat?

Jahmene is singing Killy Me Softly by Roberta Flack.

Don't tempt me, Jahmene. 

This song reminds me of Marcus in About A Boy. I find this to be a pleasing comparison. 

OKAY, I begrudgingly admit that he's quite good. The judges are raving over him although it might be due to FOSLJ. 
Fear Of Samuel L Jackson

More Skyfall premiere, this time with Jade who wishes her little girl could have come with her.

Undesirables Contract Clause in full: If you wish to enjoy all the trappings of fame, burdensome family members must be left behind. 

Tulisa tries to pop home for a bit but wanders into Jade's estate by accident and decides to just go with it. 

"Shit I meant to go UP on the Northern Line."

Jade's whole performance is uncomfortable from her uncomfortable-looking Annie Lennox/Grace Jones/Power Ranger suit to her uncomfortable-sounding rendition of Sugababes' Freak Like Me. Her backing dancers do not help with their weird dental floss routine. 

You need to floss in the morning, floss in the evening.

Nicole thinks the whole thing was frightening. 

That's rich coming from the transvestite Bob Marley. 

Last to claw his way out of the grave and join the mindless zombie parade, it's James Arthur! 

While Jahmene gets to schmooze with S.L.J, James Arthur is invited to join in at a slightly more rubbish Labrinth gig. 

This is not because you're good James Arthur, this is because Labrinth is signed to Syco. 

James is singing a creepy version of Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics and I was not wrong about the guy-liner.


Also somebody has let a zombie play keys which is irresponsible because they almost never have all their fingers. 

Zombies and lepers: the shittest of keyboard players. 

Oh good, Tulisa's talking about being urban again.

Shut up Boobs McFag-Ash

THE RESULTS:

Tulisa has obviously got in trouble for smoking and opens the show by pointing at a nicotine patch stuck on her elbow. She could look happier about it. 

Don't worry Tulisa, as a role model you can now hold your head up high. In fact, there's a whole video online that proves you can. 

The group song is David Guetta's Without You. 

I'm pretty sure I could live without any of these people. 

The producers have given up on subtlety and are now outright telling people what they ought to be experiencing as they watch The X Factor. 

You will have it. 

You'll forgive me for skipping Robbie Williams' performance. Those of us born in the eighties have had to put up with him twice. 

Time to find out who'll be shuffling off the X Factor coil this week!

Through:

Ella

District 3

Jahmene

James

Kye

Rylan

and Christopher


Well I'll eat my Halloween-themed witch's hat. Obviously the screaming girls employed by the show to follow Union J around have done little to convince the public that they are actually old enough to fancy and they will be joining Jade in the sing-off. 

If the past is anything to go by, they'll just absorb her into the band and call themselves Union Jade.

The boys are up with a lads-on-tour-in-Malia karaoke version of Pink's Fuckin' Perfect though, sadly, without the profanity. Jade follows with the ultimate snooze-fest: White Flag by Dido.

Then it's time for production to quickly calculate who is likely to raise more votes in the future, young boy band or single lesbian mum. Since we already have a popular lesbian songstress in the running, it's goodnight from Jade.

BUT not before taking a look back at her X Factor journey to remind her that she's failed her daughter.

Hahaha, remember when you thought life could be better?

See you next week!

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