Roll up, roll up!
and see with your VERY EYES:
Ladies and gentlemen, it is with no great pleasure that I hand you over to your ringmaster: Dermot O'Leary...
Oh Dermot... hang in there buddy. You said it yourself, only three weeks left. We can do this, together.
Kicking off Guilty Pleasures week, it's Union J. They were super duper sad to lose their 'best mates' and boy band rivals District 3 last week after beating them in the bottom two sing-off.
Well... maybe not quite that sad.
Just when you thought life couldn't get any less fair, these peabrains get told that they are 'working too hard' so get treated to an all-expenses paid luxury trip to DISNEYLAND.
Can they even drink yet??
Upon doing some research I find out that actually, yes, they can drink as they are aged 24, 19, 22 and 20.
Which makes this TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE.
Their guilty pleasure song is Carly Rae Jepsen, Call Me Maybe.
The only thing I'm calling you isn't fit for publication.
Gary Barlow says he LOVES that song.
YOU CALL YOURSELF A SONGWRITER
And Nicole seems to have neglected to put any clothes on.
It's not like anyone was listening to anything she was saying anyway.
Next up it's Ella 'Disneyland isn't enough for me' Henderson who tells us all that, after Paris, she also got to go to the Twilight premiere -- something she gets way too excited about.
You have to remind yourself: She's only 16. It's not her fault. It's like an illness.
This week she's singing a strange downtempo version of You're The One That I Want from Grease.
Which it turns out is dead creepy when sung really, really slowly.
Nicole comes out with yet another gem: 'For me, my favourite performance of you this entire series has been Cher's Believe and I wanted this to be that for me. But it wasn't. Because it was a different song.'
Do they just put peanut butter in her mouth so it looks like she's talking?
Next up it's the man who is moodier than Mad Eye Moody: James Arthur.
This is his reaction when he gets told he's being taken to DISNEYLAND:
Screw you James Arthur.
It looks like someone high up is concerned that James isn't showing enough camaraderie with his fellow X Factor inmates so we are swiftly treated to a forced 'bromance' montage between him and Rylan.
James looks really happy with the pairing.
James enjoying being a Minnie Me!
Hanging out with Rylan and their matching Mickey Mouse ear muffs!
Having loads of fun on the roller coaster!
James' guilty pleasure is apparently Can't Take My Eyes Off of You by Frankie Valli. An appropriate choice since he's doing his serial killer stare down the camera thing again.
"I'm going to put my actual eyes on you."
Tulisa is reminded of being 'dahn Camden watching one o' them gigs wiv all the credible artists and next big fings n that.' I don't think Tulisa's ever been within 50 feet of a credible artist in her life.
Gary says he wants James to win despite still having one of his own acts still in the competition!
Next up it's Rylan and someone in Disneyland has made the unwise decision to hand him their baby.
It's all right kid, it'll be over in a second. And by that I mean his career tee hee!
Rylan is singing Girls on Film by Duran Duran. Ironically, this is actually much better than the cheesy euro pop crap he normally comes out with.
The song is better. The performance itself is terrible as usual, even with the light-up trousers.
There's also a bit where he sings 'When will I, will I be famous?'
A question to which the answer should have always been 'Never'.
We have some more homoerotic trash talk between Gary and Rylan.
Gary says: 'The good news is, you are famous. The bad news is, give it a couple of months.'
Rylan responds by talking about a Take That tribute band he used to be in and saying that he wasn't Gary because he's 'too skinny for that'.
I don't know why they don't just have sex and get it over with.
Next up is Christopher Malonely! And, what's this? Boos in the audience?
Christopher is very excited to be closing the show in Paris. So excited in fact, that he says he can't wait to call Gary right now and tell him how it went!
Yeah, I bet Gary Barlow took that phone call.
This week, Baloney is singing Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler from inside a cage so that he can't get at the audience, I'm guessing.
It's for the best.
In case that isn't chilling enough, someone thought it would also be a good idea to have a backdrop of a giant Christopher Maloney with laser eyes.
Turn around... DEATH EYES.
By the time Christopher starts singing 'I need you tonight' and 'every now and then I fall apart', I can't help but feel like the whole thing is a threat of suicide should we not vote to keep him in.
Either suicide or mass murder by laser eyes.
Nicole says she's creeped out which is the only sensible thing she's said all night.
Last and least: it's Jahmene!
Inexplicably, he's been getting a lot of fan mail.
The sad thing is, that probably wasn't written by a child.
Jahmene is singing Don't Leave Me This Way by The Communards. Nicole's parting words of advice to him are "Don't suck."
Good luck with that!
As usual, everyone seems to love it him but we all know it's just because NO ONE DISAGREES WITH SAMUEL L JACKSON.
Leaving Rylan and Christopher to compete in the sing-off and find out who can induce the most pity in the judges.
It's a tough call.
Just kidding! That's what would have happened had this been a real talent contest.
Being The X Factor however, what actually happens is that James Arthur and Ella Henderson -- arguably the only contestants with any proper talent in the bunch -- are left in the bottom two and, after much fake indignation from the judges, the whole thing goes to Deadlock and Ella gets sent home.
Now, this could have happened for a number of reasons and those reasons are fourfold:
1) The Sincere Theory
Otherwise known at 'The X Factor Believer Theory' and widely encouraged by the show itself, this idea posits that: because James and Ella were like soo good, the public obvs like totally thought that they didn't need to vote for them because they were were bound to be safe. And it's like such a shame but that's what happens when you don't vote, people.
It's why these were invented.
Probability Factor: 1/5
2) The Rebel Theory
Somewhere in Britain, an elite gang of BBC 6 Music listeners ring in thousands of votes for Rylan and Christopher every weekend in order to destroy any remaining credibility The X Factor clings on to and to ensure that it is finally removed from our televisions once and for all.
"Hello? I'd like to vote for Christopher please. Haha... yes, yes I'm being serious."
Probability Factor: 2/5
3) THE CONSPIRACY THEORY
Since X Factor is shedding viewers faster than Tulisa sheds her clothes after a couple of bottles of Lambrini, the producers decide to ignore the public vote -- if it exists at all -- and make drastic and controversial cuts in the hopes that the shock and scandal will lure a few more people to tune in.
"All I'm saying is, if we kill one of them live on air, Strictly will have no chance."
Probability Factor: 4/5
4) The Cynic's Theory
The general public are such morons that they genuinely favour cheesy entertainment acts over talented singers.
Probability Factor: 5/5
Still, never mind Ella, this is probably the best thing that could have happened to you and the reasons are twofold:
and b) You have probably just doubled your chances of being adopted by Adele.
Plus, I'm sure we'll be seeing you and all the other contestants back together again in the HMV bargain bin next Christmas. Bye!