Monday, 10 December 2012

X Factor Live Shows: THE FINAL (which is actually the semi-final after the other semi-final followed by the actual final, finally)

X Factor, talk to me. How was last weekend's show the semi-final when we have two rounds this weekend? I think last weekend you actually meant that it was the quarter-final? Hmm?

It's okay though, I forgive you because you are so. Nearly. Over.

In the week leading up to this 'final', the usual Hurricane Boring rolled into town with reports that:





Seriously? This is news? 
Although maybe Jahmene could eat these and shut up.

Well duh, is anyone else even making music in Britain beside Emeli Sandé these days?

Anyway, over to the person who must today be the happiest man in England. Dermot! You're free! 

"Run awaaaay!"

Just one more horribly embarrassing entrance to endure, Derm. This week it's a long and drawn out Manchester-themed routine with:

People wearing Man City and Man United kits...

...a quick pint in the Rover's Return off Coronation Street...

aaaand... that's all anyone knows about Manchester so it's back to the studio to dance with the prozzie parade one last time. 

Manchester: famous for its tarts in short gold dresses. 

All of the old contestants get their first taste of the rest of their lives as they are trotted out on the show as ludicrous filler. 

We have Rylan doing Gangnam Style. Again. 

I wonder when Emeli Sandé is going to do a cover of Gangnam Style. 

Union J come in on scooters because why the hell not?

This is a perfectly normal way to get about. 

Hang on! The scooter humiliation isn't reserved only for Union J, Kye and District 3 also have to make their entrance on these two-wheeled death traps. 

This decision was almost certainly made in the hopes that someone would fall off. 

Spraggers is back!

"They're paying me okay? Shut up."

Melanie Masson milks it. 

It looks like Union J have absorbed another helpless bystander into their band, in the form of Kye.

A masterclass in standing as far away from a group of people as possible while still remaining in shot. 

Jade Ellis -- who angrily declared earlier this week that she would not be performing at the final because she couldn't get a ticket for her daughter -- obviously decides that she doesn't care all that much about her daughter after all. 

"You're holding me back, four-eyes!"

Then, as though emerging from the gates of Music Hell, the three finalists arrive. 

Boggis, Bunce and Bean -- One fat, one short, one lean!

Jahmene appears to be visibly shrinking before our very eyes.

I swear he wasn't this short but two seconds ago? Maybe this is why he needs to eat. 


Emily. Fucking. Sandé. 

"Lol me again soz."

Then Jahmoan is up to sing his 'first song of the night' (how many are there going to be??).

First we take a little trip to his hometown, where he is greeted by a horde of chanting children.

Presumably selected to make Jahmene feel comfortable about his height. 

Next on his star-studded tour: Asda. 

I bet Nicole can't believe she's had to come here twice. 

That's not the end of it Nicole! Now you have to go to church! It's okay, just grit your teeth and it'll be over soon. 

"Think of the money, think of the money."

Jahmene says the hilarious sentence: "And then I got to perform in Swindon!"

Not SWINDON! You lucky bastard!

The show does more to make Jahmene feel tall by having a group of people worship him as he stands inside Big Ben. 

It's not life sized Jahmene, don't get too excited.

He's singing Move On Up by Curtis Mayfield. There is a LOT of screeching and more than a little wailing. Am I the only person who really doesn't think he's that good at singing? 

Uh... I mean... he's Jahmazing. Sorry SLJ.

Time for Louis' 'You Remind Me Of A' of the week! This time it's 'a little Luther Vandross'. 

King of the backhanded compliment.

Caroline Flack goes to chat to some of Jahmene's family, friends and colleagues. 

They really could have let this woman get changed out of her Asda work clothes.

Then we're off to Liverpool with Christopher Malonely! this how you get to Liverpool?

It has to be said; Malonely's homecoming is lukewarm at best. 

These people don't want to hug him, instead firing party poppers to keep him at bay:

"Go away!"

This mustachioed gentleman in the background looks positively outraged about Christopher Maloney cupcakes:

"What devil's food is this??"

And this old lady looks like she's not entirely sure why everyone's there at all:

"My bingo card feels bigger than usual."

As he pulls up to his house, Christopher gasps that there's 'so many people'. 

Actually Christopher, as far as I can count, there's 45. 
Not including the babies and small children who wouldn't be there if they had the choice. 

More uncomfortable famous people as Gary sits down to tea with Christopher and his nan. 

"I think I'm going to throw up."

Then we're back in the studio for Malonely's song. The theme of the night is obviously 'giant stuff' as he comes out of a giant boom box. 

Which means that some strong soul had to resist the temptation not to close the door back up when Maloney started singing. 

The song is Irene Cara's What A Feeling from Flashdance, meaning that Christopher treats us lots of awkward wedding dancing.

Made worse by awkward crotch shots.

The judges' pretty much tell him to enjoy it while it lasts except for Louis who says "You've done it! You've changed your life! You're not going back to Liverpool!"

Louis 1 - Liverpool 0

There's another pretty awkward moment when Caroline Flack asks Christopher Maloney's nan if he can win and even she replies, "Well... what will be, will be."

Bet he doesn't love her so much now! 

Then it's James Arthur's turn to tug at our heartstrings with an exposé on his shitty home town. 

Please drive so slowly that you may never actually have to get there. 

This time, when James says there are so many people waiting for him, there actually are!

Count 'em and weep, Maloney!

Nicole's torture continues, as she is forced to go to James' old bedsit -- something he claims was a 'bit of an eye opener' for her. 

Oh yes, it's so horrible with its SEA VIEW.

Someone please take this woman to a third world country now. 

James' song of choice is Feeling Good, giving him the chance to sing about his new life.

Away from his awful seaside property. 

At one point I think he shouts "My chest hurts!" but he's just saying 'Manchester' which is far less exciting. 

The judges say it's the best performance so far and James looks about as happy as he's ever going to look. 

This happy.

Caroline Flack reaches the peak of her journalistic career and interviews a pizza. 

Pulizza Prize. 

Kelly Clarkson sings us through the 1000th recap of the show and I don't think I can handle it so I'm skipping through to Jahmene's second song, the first of the 'celebrity duet' round. 

(The X Factor has now fallen so far from grace that they can't even get anyone on to sing with the contestants, who will instead just sing with their mentor. I'm guessing everyone on the team is pretty glad that neither Louis nor Tulisa have any acts left.)

I think Jahmene thinks Nicole Scherzinger is his girlfriend.


They're going to sing Whitney's Greatest Love of All. The cameraman lingers on Nicole's body in the hopes that no one's actually listening to her voice. 

"Don't listen! Just look at these here boobs."

Uh oh! Nicole's mic's not working!

Bravo if this happened because someone just had enough and switched her off. 

DIVA TANTRUM SOLUTION: Snatch Jahmene's microphone instead! It's not like this is really his performance or anything. 

"Give me that!"


"Ok, Jahmene you can sing for a bit."


And the whole song goes on in this manner while the poor, shamed microphone lies on stage where it was callously discarded by Nicole -- much as I imagine Jahmene will be after this embarrassing performance. 

You just lie there microphone and think about what you've done. 

Dermot tries to make a lighthearted joke about it all but Nicole is fuming. 

Not all sweetness and light now, are you Nicole!

Next up and suffering enough without a microphone malfunction, poor Gary Barlow has to sing with Muppet Man Maloney. 

They're singing Rule The World by Take That which is more than a little narcissistic on Gary's part. 

Everything fails to go wrong and I am left disappointed. 

Still, there's James and Nicole's performance yet to come. Maybe someone will switch her mic off again. 

Or push one of them off those stupid stools. 

They're singing Make You Feel My Love by Ella Henderson, I mean Adele. 

It's actually pretty good, even despite Christopher Maloney attempting to put them off by firing his laser eyes throughout the performance.

Rita Ora does a song and then Kylie does a song. 

Then it's RESULTS TIME and we find out who is through to the actual final...

First we have... Jahmene!

This is a strange way to celebrate.

And the second finalist will be... James!

"I must fly and tell my people!"

Noooo, this means it's the end of the line for Christopher Muppet Man Malonely!

All that's left is for his friends to bid him goodbye in their own special way...

This is the saddest thing I've ever heard. 

Okay I'm over it, and we're off with Sunday's ACTUAL final this time, not the stupid pretend one they invented to get rid of Christopher Maloney. 

Today Nicole is wearing a bizarre contraption that makes her look a bit like a skinny Ursula from The Little Mermaid. 

Waving at all the poor, unfortunate souls. 

Oh god, all the contestants are back again singing All I Want For Christmas Is You. 

All I want for Christmas is for this to be over. 

Things only get worse when Rylan comes on stage in a sleigh pulled by half-naked men. Why are they letting Louis do the choreography all of a sudden?

The ultimate definition of 'camp as Christmas'. 

Then more Christmas songs are violently mashed together like Santa mashing coal into Simon Cowell's stocking.

Finally it's over and, oh joy! We get to hear James and Jahmene sing again. And I mean that in the most literal sense as well, because they're going to be singing a song that they have already performed in the competition.

Jahmene has chosen Angels by Robbie Williams. We get to watch his old performance pretty much in full...


...before we then watch him sing the song again. In full. The only difference is, it's on a Sunday this time. 

And he has terrifying Harbinger of the Apocalypse wings. 

I don't understand why I have now seen Jahmene sing this song three times. 

Dimly lit choir!

Uh oh James! You better bring your A-game!

Nicole practises some of her sad faces again... 


...before ruining it all by calling Jahmene "like a... a... beacon of light" and giving everyone the sneaking suspicion that she's absolutely off her face.

"I'm so high right now seriously you just look like light."

Did you enjoy watching Jahmene sing the same song twice in a row? Good, because now James Arthur's going to do it all over again (again) with Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye. 

We have to watch his old performance... 

...before watching him sing it again right after. 

There is just no need for this. There are literally so many songs that exist, why must you sing the same one twice??

This time though, we have sexy girls pretending to play instruments. 

"We have no idea what we're doing!"

There is also what I think is supposed to be some sexy hand touching with some sexy audience members but it is scuppered somewhat by this rather polite gentleman in the white shirt. 

Wow, Phil Mitchell looks really annoyed that he didn't get a handshake.

After the performance, Louis tells Nicole that she's been the best mentor ever on the X Factor.

"Screw you, Louis!"

There's some more recapping of what's happened this series so far. I'm so sick of it that, instead of telling you every time there's a recap, I'm just going to show you a picture of this pissed off cat. 

One Direction do a song. 

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than One Direction, this happens:

Shit off Cameron, it's bad enough that you're on Twitter. 

Do you know who I haven't seen enough of recently? Emeli Sandé. It's such a shame she's hardly around anywhere these days. 

Oh wait, here she fucking is again. 

And here are some football players?

I dunno. 

This one is apparently called 'Rio' like the Duran Duran song. 

He wears orange trousers and looks a bit like Sideshow Bob without the afro. 

Jahmene is going to sing his winner's single now but first...

Anyway, if he wins, his single will be Let It Be by The Beatles. He gets yet ANOTHER shadowy choir which means that the producers must really want him to win. 

These ones even beam lights out of their heads. 

For some reason, at this late stage in the competition, I've decided that I don't dislike Jahmene as much as I used to. Maybe it's the fact that I know I won't have to look at his tiny face every weekend from now on. Or maybe it's the sequins. 

You can't hate someone this glittery.

Then it's James Arthur's turn to sing again. But not before...

James' winner's single is a song I've never heard of called Impossible by a singer I've never heard of called Shontelle. (Fun Fact: Shontelle's first album was called 'Shontelligence')

Pictured: Shontelligence. 

Since James Arthur is singing, there's a lot of growling and clenched fists. 

In fact, you could say it's 'Impossible' for him to sing without them ;) ;)

Rihanna does a song.

And looks like Frankenstein from the side. 

And then it's FINALLY time for the real final results as we finally find out who's won the X Factor 2012 final finally. 

And the winner is...


Dermot's taking too long so I'm just going to tell you. It's James. 

And somewhere, deep down inside, I like to think I had a part in Jahmene not winning. 

Wonderful. Now you know which song is going to be ruining your Christmas 2012. 

Also, since the song is almost certainly going to be played all day, every day, on every radio station without a moral conscience, I think we all know who the real winner is: 


And that, ladies and gentleman, brings us to the end of my very last X Factor review. Thank you all for accompanying me on this shitty journey. 

The X Factor. Is over. 

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