Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Made In Chelsea: Season 5 Episode 7 - On the seventh week in Chelsea, the producers gave to me: 11 fences fencing and a fence near a blurry tree.

Previously on Made In Chelsea

- Jamie tried to decide which he likes better...

"Digestives... or Hobnobs..."

- Phoebob had a game of 'Creepy Smile-Off'.

Whoever laughs first gets murdered.

- And: Groooooosssssssssss

I spared you from this last time but, since I've now had to see it twice, you get to share my pain.

Binkysmum is back with the QOTD and, once again, she's acting like a normal, respectable mother.


This week, not only do we beat the record #fencewatch appearance with a brand new time of 55 SECONDS, we're treated to a whole FENCE MEDLEY.

I can now only assume that the producers are fucking with me. 

Fence porn is immediately succeeded by drinks porn at The Chelsea Ram.


Besides sexy beverages, Stevie, Andy and Lucy are also there.

Stevie and Lucy pester Andy to admit that Louise is his girlfriend. Andy remains on the fence (lol) by pulling some silly faces but it's okay because LucyBot is totally distracted by a great Robot Parts sale over the road.

"Great. I. Can. Replace. All. My. Worn. Out. Bits."

Andy finally admits that AndWeezy is a thing. Lucy cautions him on moving too fast; after all, Louise has just got out of a domestic abuse-ship.

"I'm not like you," says Andy. "I'm not afraid of my own emotions."

Scared that her cover is slipping, LucyBot quickly activates her 'shocked and outraged' function.

"I. Am. Shocked. And. Out. Raged."

Then she totally blows it by saying "Ow. My. Heart." which is not at all something a real human would say.

The game is up and it's obvious that Stevie now knows what she is. "You don't have a heart." he laughs.

LucyBot laughs too.

But she will kill him later.

If that opening fence medley didn't quench your fence thirst then never fear:

Fence is here!
Fence is always here.

Beverage lust abounds at the Pelham Hotel...


...Where Millie is overjoyed to be eating a cake.

"I am so happy to be eating this cake."

Louise has learnt from the last time she met up with her girlfriends.

And holds a large receptacle up to her eyes in preparation for catching the inevitable tears. 

The girls are having the same 'boyfriend and girlfriend' chat with Louise about Andy. The girls think it's really nice that Louise has finally met a nice man. Now she can be happy and maybe never cry again!

Hahahaha GOOD ONE.

In the fifth minute of Made In Chelsea the producers give to me:

Sixth fence a-laying!

In the boys' house, Bob, Jamie and a nearby suitcase discuss Jamie's new jumper, a snazzy black number emblazoned with a giant J. 

"What's the 'J' stand for?" asks Bob. 

"Genius." replies Jamie.

A perfect example of why spelling tests should be required before people are allowed to breed.

After a mix of hysterical laughter and clearly wondering why he is friends with this cretin, Bob goes on to explain that they are joined by a suitcase because Francis is going to Ghana. 

When Jamie asks why, Bob replies: "Something about some goldmine."

"Something about some lost ark."

Sadly it seems Francis is less capable of stealing ancient artefacts than he is of stealing his housemates stuff, as his luggage appears to consist entirely of items belonging to Bob and Jamie.

The boys proceed to fish out their belongings while talking about how Jamie is jealous that Bob is going out with hot Phoebe.

"Hey! That's my toothbrush! Also I'm a shit boyfriend."

Seventh fence a-swimming!

Back at the cafe, Lucy and Andy continue to discuss their new partners. Stevie wonders whether Spencer will treat Lucy the same way he treated Louise.

Forgetting that she's in the presence of Louise's new boyfriend, Lucy claims that she'll be okay because she's not a pushover like Louise.

"Actually Lucy, you're not like her in two ways: 1) She's a pushover. 2) She's human."

Elsewhere, Louise is being a terrible person. While she is adamant she would never go back to Spencer, she also thinks she might go back to Spencer.

The girls stare into space awkwardly as Louise tries to convince herself that she's over Spencer and that her relationship with Andy is like: So. Great. 

"Yeah... great..."

Still, Millie kindly (or sarcastically) tells Louise that she's really glad she seems to have put the whole thing behind her. 

She's so glad.

Eighth fence a-milking!

Ninth fence a-dancing!

After her drinks with the boys, Lucy goes to a shop with very limited stock.

I have no use for either of these things.

It turns out she's gone to see Spencer...

...who is such a monster that gazing upon him has turned these poor extras into stone. 

They also talk about Andy and Louise. 

Spencer shrugs a lot because EVERYONE IS SO OVER EVERYONE ELSE. 

Elsewhere, something terrible has happened to Ollie. 

Apparently it's his sex life -- or lack thereof -- that's making him all funny. As he and Cheska take part in a hula hooping class, they discuss the problem. 

"How many times are you supposed to have sex a week?" ponders Ollie.

"Three or four times a day." says Cheska definitely, thus proving she has never had either a boyfriend or a job.

"Don't be silly Cheska, you've never had sex with anyone."

Since that's about as much as anyone can take of Cheska and Ollie thrusting, we cut to Phoebob, who are on a date.

Bob has brought her to his own art exhibition, which apparently consists of photographs taken by his mum.

Just your regular family holiday snaps.

They seem to talk for ages but I can't distinguish any definite conversation. 

Pictured: actual subtitles. 

It's nighttime suddenly! Lucy and Binky are in the back of a cab on their way to meet Spencer and Jamie even though Jamie hates Lucy and doesn't know they are coming. 

This is fun to watch when all you can think of is how awkwardly close the cameraman must have been.

Talking of Jamie, it looks like he's been left unsupervised again. 

He keeps sticking forks in plug sockets whenever no one's watching him.

The girls arrive and suddenly everything is awkward and horrible and no one wants to be there. 

Sort of like how everyone else feels when anyone from Made In Chelsea walks in to a room.

Luckily Binky is there to make everything less awkward -- but arguably a lot more weird -- by announcing that she's having a barn dance on Sunday!

This is the last straw for Jamie, who storms out.

"I HATE barn dances! I can't tell what is hay and what is my hair and it's REALLY CONFUSING."

Tenth fence a-leaping!

We cut to Ollie and Cheska's apartment where Ashley and Ollie are sitting on a bed. I find myself praying we aren't about to get a glimpse of their infamous sex life. 

Oh no, they're drinking tea in bed! We are getting a glimpse of their sex life. 

They proceed to have ANOTHER boring relationship talk. Ashley acknowledges that Ollie is bisexual and that she totally supports him in this.

In fact she even understands that it's hard for him. 

It's not hard for him Ashley, that's the whole problem!

They FINALLY break up and the show finds a subtle way to tell us that Ashley was a mug for not doing it sooner.

Ashley: a mug with a big heart.

Elsewhere it seems to have taken Phoebe all night to walk home from Bob's Mum's art show as she bumps into Jamie mid-storming out from his encounter with Spencer and Lucy. 

What with Jamie's bleach blonde hair and black coat, their meeting looks like a shit remake of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Sadly, Phoebuffy fails to take a stake to Jamie's heart, instead -- bafflingly -- asking him out on a date.

After agreeing to do something 'fun! and Random!' (vomit), they part ways with Jamie shouting compliments at the departing Phoebe.

"I like your trousers! I like your bag!" he shouts.

"Do you like me?" she shouts back.

Instead of replying, Jamie just laughs and walks away.

Crazy fucking vampires.

Back at the bar, Lucy has worked up the courage to ask Spencer where their relationship is going.

She tells him she isn't seeing anyone else and asks if he is doing the same. Spencer desperately tries to avoid answering the question.

"I mean, I can see other people, with my eyes... is that what you mean?"

Eventually he gives in and admits that he's been sleeping with other people. He then waffles on about how he's just come out of a serious relationship and he's not even much of a relationship person etc etc zzzzzzz

"My. C. P. U. Is. Struggling. To. Process. Your. Bullshit."

She walks out, leaving Spencer to exasperatedly exclaim 'GIRLS!'

Yes because it is girls that are the problem you terrible bastard shithead.

The next day we're back to Bob's exhibition, to which he has kindly invited his mum. This is the least he can do considering the exhibition seems to consist entirely of her work. 

Also Bob's mum dresses exactly like Bob!
This is not a good thing, Bob's mum.

Spencer tells Bob's mum about Phoebe and she goes a bit mental.

I think Bob's mum is on drugs.

Talking of Phoebe, she's taken Jamie to a children's zoo which seems about right for Jamie's mental capacity.

This emu: not happy to see them coming.

Jamie makes me laugh for the first time when he calls this pig 'Spenny'.

I'm laughing with you, not at you Jamie! This is new and exciting!

Phoebe physically assaults a pig just to hear it scream.

Phoebe is a monster.

Luckily the pair get their comeuppance when Spenny the pig loses his shit and charges another pig, giving Jamie and Phoebe the fright of their lives.

If only there had been no barrier, Spenny the pig could have done the world a favour and eaten these two.

Eleventh fence a-piping!

In order to arrange the barn dance, Binky, Binkysmum and Lucy meet up to drink champagne and make notes on the things they need.

This is posh people language for '100 bottles of champagne and one barn'.

That's as far as they get before Lucy starts to talk about Spencer. Binkysmum is curious as to what it is exactly that attracts girls to Spencer. 

"Is he a fantastic lay?" she asks. "Has he got a dick the size of--"

"MUMMY!" yells Binky, thankfully saving our ears from the rest of that sentence. 

Binky's mum placates her daughter, stating that she merely doesn't understand Spencer's appeal. 

"That's because you're like 70." cringes Binky. 

"Hahahaha! I'm actually 200."
Crazy fucking vampires. 


On another street, Ashley bumps into Cheska and her dog, Evie. They discuss Ollie and the break up. 

Well, Cheska and Ashley discuss the break up. Evie doesn't discuss anything because she's a dog. 

"I couldn't give less of a shit about Ollie's sex drive, I just want me some treats."

At Bob's exhibition, Spencer spouts so much nonsense at Rosie and Stevie that I can't handle it and move on quickly to Louise and Andy on a date. 

For which Louise has decided to dress as a character from Tron.

It looks like Andy has taken Louise out for pudding porn. 

Pudding Porn 2: Lick My Mister Whippy. 

Andy says he's a feeder and Louise says she's one too. Andy says that he noticed as much from her last relationship. 

Oh no he di'nt!

Louise talks about their relationship and how they're, like, so totally comfortable around each other.

"Yeah it's comfortable." says Andy, gulping down his champagne. "And also scary!"

"WHY IS IT SCARY?" questions Louise.

Just a heads up Louise, you are why it's scary.

Andy mumbles something about people warning him to be careful but Louise talks over him, saying there's nothing complicated about their relationship.

Then they finish the scene staring at their drinks in silence.

Because they're so comfortable around each other.

All together now, to the tune of 'five gold rings':


Then we're off to Bob's weird white sweatshop where Jamie has stopped by.

Bob asks why Jamie wasn't at his exhibition. He makes it sound like Jamie missed something important as opposed to a series of photographs taken by an old denim-clad lady on drugs.

"Ahh the exhibiton... Yes, on that day I actually had to go squeeze a pig with your girlfriend."

Jamie tries to gloss over the fact he took Bob's girlfriend on a date by asking how things are going with them.

"I dunno," sighs Bob. "I think I'll cool things down because, I mean, obviously I just have so much going on."

Yes Bob you have so much to do! Like drinking champagne, hanging up pictures that you didn't even take and having long, filmed conversations with your best mates in your 'workplace' every episode.

It seems Bob's mum isn't the only one on drugs as, back at the dessert parlour, Louise bounces up and down on her chair and babbles about wanting to kiss Andy before lunging awkwardly at him.

I think there was more than just mango in the mango sorbet.

Suddenly Chelsea's resident messenger boy Stevie calls Andy to tell him the very minor news that Spencer is totally cool with everything or whatever.

"Stevie... surely this could have waited until I just saw you next..."

"But I never have any love interests of my own! I have to live vicariously through you!"

Throughout the conversation, all-new extra-mental Louise swings around on her chair, eats grapes and talks to Andy like he's not even on the phone. 

Shut up, Louise! The man's trying to have a bloody conversation!

Stevie warns Andy that shit is likely to go down at the barn dance, Of Mice and Men-style. 

After the call, Andy fills Louise in on the goss and she does nothing to reassure him by telling him she's 'intrigued' to see what Spencer wants and then smiling at the thought of Spencer lunging at her.

She doesn't do anything to reassure me that she's not mental either, as the scene ends with her shoving a bit of cake in Andy's facing and yelling, 'CAKE'.

I hope it's marble cake Louise, as you seem to have lost yours.

In fact, she doesn't even seem to have recovered in time for the finale, as the barn-dance scene opens with her smashing a fairground game with a hammer then laughing maniacally. 


Binky has also had too much to drink already...

...and throws up all the apples she ate this morning.

Glumford and Sons play generic barn dance music while everyone hops around wondering what one is supposed to do at a peasantparty. 

"They jump around in circles, don't they? The poor people? That's how they have fun?"

Indiana Boulle is back from his Big African Adventure!

"I come bearing blood diamonds! Pockets full of 'em!"

For the duration of the party, Louise does the sensible thing and steers clear of Lucy.


She actually charges over, demands that Lucy stick her face in a barrel of watery apples then accuses Lucy of still sleeping with Spencer. 

"Who. Is. This. Raving. LouiseBot. And. What. Has. It. Done. With. Weepy. Weezy.?."

Stevie is torn between wanting to run away from this really awkward conversation but being really happy that he's this close to two actual women. 

"Oh God what if I leave and they kiss and I miss it??"

They don't kiss however, instead just exchanging more passive-aggressive insults before Louise ambles off to find Spencer for a literal roll in the hay (probably). 


In the barn, Binky, Ollie and Cheska meet to chew hay and talk about how they are all bezzies again and Ollie's gay and everyone's happy!

I'd actually forgotten that Binky and Cheska had fallen out and am quite surprised they are suddenly fine again.

Let's be honest, though, it's not like Cheska wasn't going to take her back, was it? 

"I have no one else!"

Outside, LucyBot can't get her head around the human idiosyncrasies of a barn dance so retires to practise her 'sad' emotion. 

"Woe. Is. Me."

Luckily Spencer is here to cheer her up by marching around and yelling 'GOD, I LOVE GARDEN GAMES!"

Someone call the farmer. Tell him to bring his shotgun.

To say sorry, he's brought Lucy wee in a jar -- and it has her name on it! 

Nothing like a jar of piss with your name on it.

They chat and Lucy tells him that he should enjoy his freedom but she doesn't want to have any part in it.

Spencer looks sad for all of two seconds before going off to find someone to have sex with. 

"Anyone seen Louise?"

Meanwhile, Phoebob try to have a serious conversation while this man dances around like a loon behind them. 


It looks like Phoebob wants to be just Bob again and breaks things off with Phoebe.

Phoebe doesn't seem to give a shit, going back to her jar of piss like nothing's happened. 

Nothing like a jar of piss after a break up.

Spencer has finally located Louise and sits down to 'clear the air'. Louise seems pretty pissed off when he tells her he's over her.

You know what time it is...

It's time...

To play...







Poor Louise is forced to flee the party in tears. 

Women eh, Spencer?!

You dick.

Next time on Made In Chelsea

- In an attempt to get Louise to like him more than Spencer...

...Andy dresses up in what looks to be a tin soldier costume.

- Phoebe pretends to be totally cool with Bob dumping her.


- And Lucy meets a hunky male robot, only to have their date scuppered by a local Chelsea stalker. 

"Hi there, I'm Spencer and I'll be your resident arsehole for the evening."

See you next week!


  1. Brilliant as usual, thanks for the laughs!

  2. As usual, excellent work. Thanks for your take on the wierd world of Made in Chelsea!

  3. Absolutely love your blogposts. Pick of the post "But I never have any love interests of my own! I have to live vicariously through you!", made me giggle!

  4. This is truly fantastic- favourited and cannot wait for next week's already!