Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Made In Chelsea: Season 5 Episode 10 - Spencer Matthews in the pool house with a lacrosse stick.

This week's #fencewatch fan award goes to @hollis_becky for pointing out the spectacular use of fence in Eugenie Scrase's Trunkated Trunk.

Although, in my opinion, every fence is a work of art.

Anyhoo!

Previously on Made In Chelsea

- More of LucyBot's secrets were revealed as we found out just how the crew keep her charged for those long filming days.

They slyly plug fairy lights into her head!

This week's QOTD comes from Chelsea's resident Jenius, Jamie Laing.

"Curse you HOT TUBS!!"

This reminds me of one of my favourite past times: adding to my 'Shit Jamie Laing says' book by perusing his latest tweets.

Here are some recent gems:

...Okay, thanks Jamie!

This week's episode kicks off in Barcelona!

With exotic Spanish balcony fences!

Hey guys, they have signs here too!

But they're all in a funny language! Lol Barcelona, what are you like. 

We join new Spanish Spencer, who shall henceforth be known as Spancer.

Spancer likes to sunbathe in his shirt.

He is joined by Jamie, Stevie, Phoebe and one of the Frans.

The other Fran wasn't allowed to come because she's not blonde anymore. 

Spancer wonders where Lucy is, seeing as he specifically ordered for her to be dragged to his palace whether she liked it or not.

Stevie bashfully explains that, please sire, she had her bags packed, sire I swear it, but she escaped at the last minute, please don't chop off my head sire.

Luckily King Spancer is not angry.

He's just disappointed...

"LOLJKS!" says Stevie. Lucy is really on her way!

Shit Stevie! That was a risky little game, I thought he was going to eat you.

Stevie does also have to remind Spancer that Lucy is coming with Alex, the LegoHead boy. 

"HE'S MY EX AND I HATE LUCY." says Phoebe out of nowhere, just in case anyone wasn't already aware that Alex was her ex and that she hates Lucy.

Who put 2p in you?

Just then, Lucy herself arrives and Phoebe and the Fran decide to head off and find their rooms as they can't stand to be around her.

I find myself wondering, probably not for the last time this episode, why oh why the fuck they agreed to come on this holiday.

In other news LucyBot's forgotten to put trousers on again!

Silly LucyBot!

Spancer and LegoHead finally meet, with Spancer moving swiftly from 'hello!' to 'will you be sleeping in the same bed as Lucy?'

The whole thing is so awkward that Jamie is forced to suck on his comfortglasses in consternation. 

After LegoHead murmurs 'Bloody nice, bloody nice' for a bit, he, Lucy and Stevie also head off to find their rooms, with Spancer's dire warning ringing in their ears that he's left them little notes suggesting where they ought to sleep. 

Who wants to bet that he's got a note on his penis with Lucy's name on it?

When the others have gone, Jamie begs Spancer to tell him 'the plan' re: Lucy.

Spancer insists that there is no plan and that he's just going to talk to Lucy and be frank with her.

Jamie laughs a lot for no reason.

The whole scene is vaguely reminiscent of Scar talking to one of his hyenas in The Lion King.

 Boooo back to boring old Chelsea.

Chelsea is full of knobs.

Since Lucy has a man to drag around with her now, her partner-in-crime Binky has been left behind in Chelsea. To commiserate, she takes tea with Andy and Rosie.

Andy isn't in Barcelona because he and Spancer hate each other, and Rosie can't leave Chelsea because she's actually the ghost of a dead Victorian child.

The group briefly discuss how much Andy must miss Louise.

Andy does his best 'Oh yes, yes I definitely miss Louise' face in case she's watching.

Then we're back to Barcelona where Lucy, feeling awkward about being on holiday with both her new man and her ex-flame, does her best to remain demure and un-seductive. 

NOT!

While his guests swim and sunbathe, a detached Spancer watches them all and sips his champagne in silence. 

In fact, the whole holiday is beginning to seem like one of those weird murder mysteries, whereby an enigmatic stranger invites a group of people who hate each other to a remote location, only for someone to get murdered in the middle of the night. 

I hope Poirot turns up.

Lucy 'Miss Scarlett' Watson, joins innocent Reverend LegoHead on the sun loungers to moan about how awkward the whole situation is. 

All under the watchful eye of gossipy sisters Mrs Phoebe White and Mrs Fran Peacock.

Professor Plum and Colonel Mustard-Hair are also there.

Suddenly the mysterious host approaches Lucy and LegoHead with drinks.

Don't take it Reverend LegoHead, it's surely poisoned!

He proceeds to question them on their budding relationship before Lucy cuts him short, telling him it's not really any of his business. 

Unfazed, Spancer informs LegoHead that it would be nice to talk to Lucy on her own at some point before strolling off and leaving the pair looking baffled. 

WHY DID YOU AGREE TO COME ON THIS HOLIDAY!?

Meanwhile, back in Chelsea, the uninvited Fran drops by the cafe for a chat.

She is still blonde so why is she not in Barcelona? 

After a five second conversation about how everyone hates her best friend Phoebe and how Andy screwed her over, this Fran states that it's really nice to hang out with these guys and they should do it more often.

What are you basing that on??

Here is a spiderweb!

Nature's silken fence. 

We have moved on to a garden somewhere, where Bob and Francis practice yoga.

Bob is obviously trying to exercise his nipples bigger.

In an effort to seek enlightenment, the boys talk about the Harrods running club and girls.

Truly they have reached perma-tanned nirvana. 

When was the last time you saw some seafood?

Seeing seafood is a seaside sight for sore eyes.

Since LegoHead is finding it so awkward being on holiday with his new girlfriend Lucy and ex-girlfriend Phoebe in his new girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's villa, LegoHead does the only sensible thing he can...

...and takes his ex-girlfriend on a date.

They reminisce about what sound like the worst holidays ever ("Do you remember? It was too hot in the tent." FASCINATING) before the producers decide that alcohol is definitely required to liven things up and move everyone on to a night out in Barcelona.

"Yeaaaah! We're having so much fun here with these weird, massive, glowing urns!"

In fact, there's far too much happiness flowing for LucyBot, who gets up and walks away for some privacy.

Yes Lucy, it must be so much more peaceful there two metres away from where you just were.

Spancer goes over to see if she's okay.

"I just needed to get away." sighs Lucy.

...

Lucy complains again about the 'weird situation' and Spancer apologises for inviting her out to Barcelona with LegoHead.

"Yeah, why did you do that??" asks Lucy.

Why did you come??

Lucy also informs Spancer that Jamie warned her not to 'go there' with him.

Oops! Looks like it's going to be Colonel Mustard-Hair who will be found floating lifelessly in the pool tomorrow morning!

Spancer attempts to win her over but Lucy walks off, leaving him to pull anguished faces in the dark on his own.

Oh blurry lights...

...only you can genuinely illustrate Spancer's pain...

Back in Chelsea, we are required to watch someone tie up their shoelaces.

Tying your shoelaces is actually a really big deal for people in Chelsea as their parents are so busy working that children have to teach themselves or learn from an au pair. This is normally achieved between the ages of 20 and 25.

This girl's bum...

...interests the cameraman greatly.

We are, of course, joining what I assume is the Harrods running club where Bob takes this new BumLady as a running partner when Francis fails to show up.

New lady introduces herself as 'Bee'.

Which I can only assume stands for 'Bum'.

In EspaƱa, Spancer and Colonel Mustard-Hair visit a large stone bench for a chat. 

Nothing like a large stone bench for hashing out all of life's little problems.

Jamie asks what's going on with Lucy and Spancer responds with the nonsensical, "I wanna roll the dice. If she's willing to... take the dice..."

"'Dice' are a suitable metaphor for my penis right?"

Back at the running club, Bob and Bee the BumLady flirt before being interrupted by Francis, who dashes in at the last minute.

Like the wheezy rhinoceros at the end of the Jumanji stampede.

It turns out that Francis and Bee have already met. I start to get the horrible feeling we're getting set up for another ridiculous love triangle like Francis, Bob and Sophia all over again. 

Before I can contemplate that for too long, I am distracted by Bee asking Bob if he wants to 'just pop it in'.

'B' stands for BRAZEN HUSSY.

Oh, it's okay, she's just talking about his phone number in her phone. Never one to be left out, Francis grabs her phone and puts his number in too.

Yep, not weird at all Francis.

Francis then asks Bee what she's been up to, and what it is she actually does. 

Acceptable answers: teacher, doctor, receptionist, accountant, journalist, or any other career you could possibly think of. 

Bee's answer: "I do a little bit of singing... a bit of polo..."

That is not a job description Bee! That is a list of two random hobbies.

Having cleared up the fact that she doesn't actually do anything, Bee decides to buzz off. 

"Let's go for a drink sometime." says Bob. "You've got my number."

"Yeah and you've got my number too." says Francis. 

While hilariously dressed as a 118 118 man.

Meanwhile, in Barcelona, LegoHead takes LucyBot for ice creams and a chat.

LucyBot isn't sure what humans do with ice cream so she just awkwardly holds it aloft.

LH asks what's going on with Spancer. Lucy skirts the question, merely telling LegoHead that she's been enjoying hanging out with him. AS FRIENDS.

"And as a friend, I would appreciate it if you told me what I am meant to be doing with this ice cream."

Poor Legohead shrugs in resignation as we leave the ill-fated pair and head back to Chelsea where friend-whore Binky is attempting to add Fran to her friend harem.

"The friend harem works like this: I'll be your best friend immediately, but I will also be best friends with all your enemies. However, since you've been abandoned by your other Fran, I'm all you've got so I suggest you accept."

As a demonstration of the benefits her friendship can bring, Binky offers three gifts to Fran.

Fran looks like she almost immediately decides she'd rather be alone forever. 

Things only get worse when Richard the Lionhead starts talking about his latest project: building an underground bunker. Or rather, burying a giant shipping container.

"I haven't quite decided why yet, but it's not like anyone's going to think I'm creepy if I don't explain myself."

Fran wonders whether, if she left now, she could get far away enough to disappear before he came after her. 

Or whether slighting him in such a manner would result in her skeleton being one day found in his underground bunker. 

"Oscar reads a lot of literature." says Ollie, amid the ensuing silence. 

To her credit, instead of saying "COOL STORY BRO" like most people would, Fran politely asks Oscar if he has a favourite book or playwright. 

"JESUS!" yells Oscar in response. 

This is definitely shaping up to be one of the weirder Made In Chelsea excursions. 

The conversation continues in this manner, with the only other occurrence worthy of note being when Oscar makes this face.

Who's a cheeky vampire then!

Then we head back to Barc where LegoHead finds himself stranded in his now ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's villa with both the aforementioned ex-girlfriend and a previous ex-girlfriend in attendance.

"Kill me now."

Life gets no less terrible for him when Spancer decides to come over for another 'chat'. (Does anyone in Chelsea do anything besides having 'chats'?)

LegoHead admits defeat to Spancer, saying that he and Lucy are no longer an item.

To which Spancer responds with the noble nod of a victor to his defeated opponent.

Oh no! Phoebe and Jamie are back in a hot tub!

Why do we have to see this again? This was so creepy last time. 

Phoebe is doing that weird thing where she writhes around and smiles a lot again. 

What are you doing woman??

And why do you have the Great Barrier Reef growing on your neck?

She questions Jamie about the infamous Lucy/hot tub incident before informing him that he should have kissed her instead. 

Jamie looks like all his Christmasses have come at once. 

"Ahhhhahaa! Phoeboobs are near me!"

Not a great one for chat-up lines, Phoebe then asks him if he wants to eat her before dry-humping him all around the hot tub.

Or is this wet-humping? 
Or is wet-humping just actual humping??
So many questions.
I can't stop saying humping.
Humping. 

Oblivious to all this humping, Lucy makes her way over to Spancer and LegoHead, with the latter making himself scarce so they can talk. 

Lucy admits that things between her and LegoHead are over, but warns Spancer that that doesn't mean he can just click his fingers and have her back.

...except that... it totally does.

The next day, in Chelsea, Francis is carrying a stick around Bob's mysterious white room.

Although maybe this is what is normally done in Bob's white room. Who knows? It's not like anyone has a clue what the room is for. 

"What are you doing bro?" asks Bob.

What are YOU doing??
What do you do in there with all those clothes and pencils??

Apparently Francis is attempting ro rectify the room's feng shui, but is interrupted by the arrival of Rosie.

She is here to pick up some t-shirts. 

What do you think this is Rosie, some sort of t-shirt factory?
...Is it?

Bob nips off to jump on t-shirts or something, leaving Francis and Rosie to make small talk about polo. As they talk, Francis gets a text.

It's from Bee the BumLady!

She wants to go on a date with him and Bob at the same time. 


Since Sophia also always wanted to see both Bob and Francis at the same time, I'm starting to wonder whether this isn't some weird Fight Club scenario where Bob and Francis turn out to be the same person.

:O

Fence!

Where the fuck have you been!?

The gang are back from Barcelona and everyone has survived the trip unmurdered, despite the fantastic potential for some actual drama that would have provided.

To celebrate, LucyBot and Binky meet for drinks. 

They go over the whole Spencer situation but I find it hard to take anything Binky is saying seriously because she is wearing a Red Indian cape. 

...Why?

All laughs go out the window though, when Lucy reveals that Spencer told her he loved her.

"Are you sure he wasn't looking at himself in a mirror at the time??"

Lucy clarifies her statement; Spencer didn't quite say he loved her, more that he was falling in love with her. 

Isn't that exactly what Andy said to Louise? Is it just some sort of Chelsea dickhead code that no one knows the meaning of?

Talking of dickheads!

Here is one.

LucyBot, who has been doing such a wonderfully good job of appearing human this episode, fucks up. 

No LucyBot! People don't kiss other people's palms to say hello!
This is like Human 101 stuff, you should know this by now.

Embarrassed by her robot faux pas, LucyBot finds it hard to maintain normal expressions for the rest of the conversation. 

"Oh. My. God. What. If. They. Noticed.?.?."

Luckily, Jamie has been distracted by a napkin.

"Naaaaaapkiiiin!"

Elsewhere the Frans meet up to discuss post-Barcelona relations between Phoebe and Jamie.

Phoebe says that, because of Tara (who I thought no longer existed), she would never look at Jamie that way.

This is clearly bullshit.

She's thinking about the humping.

Then cracks begin to show in the Frans group as the non-Barcelona Fran admits she's been spending time with Binky.

"Oh my God, that is so much worse than how we went on holiday and didn't bother inviting you."

We swap Frans for fence.


Before moving on to Lucy and Spencer who are having a date on a bench.

Spending time on benches is clearly Spencer's new favourite thing to do.

Lucy 'fesses up to telling Binky what Spencer said. 

"What, that I could fall in love with you really easily?" asks Spencer.

It turns out he's not stealing Andy's lines after all...

...He's stealing Jamie's! Which is much, much worse.

Lucy also reveals that Jamie has been warning her off Spencer again, clearly hoping for some sort of fight between Spencer and Jamie.

Spencer reassures her by saying she shouldn't worry because he does think he's falling in love with her.

Even he can barely stand how cringeworthy it sounds.

The scriptwriters forgot to come up with an excuse for an end-of-episode party this week, so everyone just congregates awkwardly at a bar to stare at each other.

I don't think even she knows what she's supposed to be angry about anymore.

Mark Francis is there, although his sole purpose is to remind the world of Phoeboobs by telling Phoebe she has great tits.

I decide that he would be so much less creepy if he didn't have the smile of a great white shark.

Great White Mark.

Spencer and LucyBot are the talk of the town with both Binky and Rosie, and Jamie and LegoHead speculating on whether they will last.

Only Andy is stupid enough to go over and talk to them about it though. 

Andy, you idiot.

After calling Spencer a beast, then telling the new couple that everyone thinks Spencer will cheat again, Andy strolls nonchalantly off, leaving Spencer to pick up the pieces with an upset LucyBot. 

Lucy reckons all these comments are putting her off their relationship.

It doesn't take Spencer long to slip back into 'controlling husband' mode, asking Lucy what matters more: his opinion or the opinions of all these comment makers.

"All of your closest friends and relatives are wrong, you should stop talking to them and only ever see me." 

Meanwhile, Francis is taking Bee out for their triple date with Bob, but Bob has yet to turn up.

To pass the time Francis asks Bee what her biggest fear is, starting the question with 'Oh!' as though this is something he had been meaning to ask her for a while.

Luckily Bee appears to be bizarrely well-prepared for this line of questioning, answering 'burglars' without any hesitation.

"They're always stealing my honey. It's a big problem for us."

"Burglars are scary." agrees Francis.

Francis is here to understand your fears.

Sadly that's about as understanding as Francis gets, as he proceeds to then list all of the potential burgling dangers that await Bee in London, including but not limited to: criminals, gangs and mafias.

"...Great."

Bob turns up just in time, but he has a bone to pick with Francis. He reckons Francis lied to him about what time to arrive!

"Ha... ha... what? Shush... Shut up, Bob."

I find myself feeling increasingly sorry for Bee, not because she has to witness the boys continue to pretend to fight over her but because she has been forced to play the role of 'girl' in this painfully fake love triangle.

"I knew I should have asked to see the script before I signed the contract."

Eventually she makes the wise decision to leave.

Don't look back, just run!

Back at the club Jamie openly admits to LegoHead that, if he wasn't with Tara, he would want something to happen between himself and Phoebe. 

This makes him just about the worst boyfriend on the show after Spencer. 

That and his endless attempts to pull off leopard print.

Talking of Phoebe, she has yet to realise that you really don't have to keep approaching people you don't like.

LEAVE LUCY ALONE!

Phoebe says she wants to congratulate Lucy on having played her situation so well.

Though I suspect she doesn't mean that at all!

Phoebe continues to try to make Lucy feel guilty, clearly somehow still failing to understand that Lucy just doesn't give a shit. 

"Hey Phoebe, look at all these shits I give! Oh wait, there aren't any."

Then it's time for the final confrontation as Spencer approaches Jamie to ask why he's been warning Lucy away from their relationship.

It's hard to tell whether Jamie is listening or wondering whether he's made one rolled-up sleeve fashionable yet.

No, Jamie, you haven't.

They bicker for a bit and I'm quite surprised when Jamie stands up for himself and sticks by his view that Spencer will cheat on Lucy. 

Since Jamie is refusing to do as he's told, Spencer gets in a strop and decides to 'dust'. 

"No one says that any more!"

And that's the end, init.

Next week on Made In Chelsea

- This private investigator dog tests Millie's hands for the blood of poor murdered Herby.

"Arrest this woman!"

- Louise's dry spell looks like it's about to come to an end.

Her dry face spell, that is.

- And Spencer plays a game of 'How long can I keep a straight face while sporting this ridiculous hair-do?'

This hairstyle simply cannot not be a joke.

See you next week!

5 comments:

  1. Rosie can't leave Chelsea because she's actually the ghost of a dead Victorian child.

    brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love (hate) how Jamie insists on rolling up his sleeve on the arm where he got a tattoo that he supposedly hates, but that we all know he actually wants to show off. Gerk. (...see what I did there).

    ReplyDelete
  3. Every week you never fail to truly entertain me! ha ah ah ahh! Great job!

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