You. Are. Welcome.
Yeah, yeah, yeah we know, we were there.
From the looks of things, tonight's theme is: The audience are dicks.
Look at them! It's like Planet of the Apes in here.
Also what is the lady in the top right doing? They're not gladiators...
Before we get down to the nitty gritty, The X Factor would like you to know that it was hot when these auditions were filmed.
It was so hot, this man had died in the street.
And guess what's happening amidst all this heat?
Her hairstyle is solely roots.
Souli bounds on stage banging a drum and blowing a whistle.
"Suli, Suli, Suli." says Sharon, who doesn't have time to remember these peasants' names properly.
Souli sings One Love by Bob Marley, but when I say 'sings' I mean she stands on stage shouting "HEY HEY HEY HEY".
Still, it gets the judges dancing.
This is an accurate representation of how each of these people would have danced at their school disco.
"That music sounded damn fine to me!" says Gary.
"The singing though, was just all right." says Gary.
"WOOOOOOOO!" says Souli Roots.
Eventually the judges give up trying to talk to her and just put her through to bootcamp.
Haven't seen any queueing in a whi...
We have a little look at some more contestants from last night, including annoying boy band Kingsuururhgh.
"I'd love if they'd just go away, do their homework and come back and they're brilliant." says Louis to Sharon in hair and makeup.
Whereas I'd just love it if they'd go away.
But first we have Lydia, the Essex girl who the judges thought would be better off in a girl band.
As Lydia walks on, we cut to these guys again! "OH 'ELLO! SHE'S AN ESSEX BIRD INNIT." they say eloquently.
The Beavis and Butthead of The X Factor audience.
Anyway, back to Lydia. "Have you been working hard?" asks Gary.
"Yes." says Lydia.
"On what?" says Gary.
Oh I dunno Gary, I'm going to guess probably her SINGING?
Lydia sings The Way You Make Me Feel by Michael Jackson. It's very shouty and loud and she does that thing where she goes "oooOooohooohOoh' a lot but in the way the audience like, you get me?
Yeah I gave up music after Year 9, what of it?
Everyone is very impressed and Lydia goes through.
Then the song Ladies Night starts playing because we have another lady auditioning! Clever, huh?
This is Jeanette who says she is from a tribe in South Africa.
She sings Skinny Love and it's nice so she goes through.
Rough Copy are back! Again.
It's a rough copy of last year's X Factor ;) ;)
Apparently they have something very special for the judges: they will be entering their audition from the BACK of the arena instead of the stage!?!?!11?
This is MIND BLOWING STUFF.
I expect Rough Copy to launch straight into their song, like the mavericks they are, but instead there's just an awkward moment where Eye Of The Tiger stops playing and they all have to stand on stage like naughty schoolboys and explain who they are.
They describe themselves as 'sweet but street'. Then they sing ONE DIRECTION.
There is nothing sweet or street about One Direction.
It's just shit and shit.
I'd like to point out that I didn't immediately know that the song was by One Direction. I had to look it up. Just... wanted to make that clear.
Anyway blah, blah, blah everyone thinks they're great and Rough Copy go through.
James McDonald Bus Driver is back!
James says he has brought passengers from his bus to support him.
They didn't actually want to be here, James picked them up in the bus this morning then wouldn't stop driving until he got to London.
"Sing your heart out." says Louis.
Uh oh, James sings Daniel Merryweather's Red but it's not up to scratch.
All the judges apart from Nicole give him a 'no' and James McDonald Bus Driver gets sent home!
"Nooooooo!" whimper the audience.
Oh, for God's sake.
James walks off, heartbroken.
"I'd love to show him the people that he's up against, because he'd understand then." sighs Gary.
Yeah James, I mean look at the sort of talent you're up against.
Continuing this theme of audience-baiting, the judges send home this girl even though she's quite good.
Although in fairness, I'd probably send her home just for not changing her name to 'Lizzie'.
Then this one goes home when Nicole says she didn't like her audition.
"I loved it." says Butthead mournfully.
Next to walk the plank is Stephanie, who has already once been rejected by Sharon at the tender age of 14.
Smiley, smiley, rejected Stephanie!
Surely she can't go home too, not after making Sharon cry like she just came home and found Ozzie passed out on the kitchen floor again.
"Ozzie, the bats were one thing but this is too much..."
Sadly it looks like a bad Celine Dion song choice might have put Stephanie in peril.
Either that or her skirt isn't short enough.
The judges decide to give her a second chance, and Stephanie tries again, this time with Songbird by Eva Cassidy.
With the judges' appetite for humiliation sated, Stephanie finally gets four yeses and goes through to bootcamp.
KingsUGH are back.
Kingsland keep getting told that this could be the first day of the rest of their lives, even though every day is the first day of the rest of their lives because that is how TIME WORKS.
They sing Treasure by Bruno Mars. I want to tell them not to give up their day jobs but three have them have apparently already been fired for spending too much time rehearsing anyway.
It wasn't worth it guys.
According to the judges though, it was worth it and the boys go through to bootcamp. One of them shouts 'Yeah boiiiii!" as they run off stage and it's the final nail in Kingsland's coffin for me.
They are officially this year's Jahmene.
We take a break for Nicole to say "Hashtag: Boss" for seemingly no reason in particular, then Next Of Kin arrive to bring everyone down.
Where Stephanie got told off for singing a 'dated' Celine Dion song, Next Of Kin get applauded for singing Amazed by Lonestar and go straight through to bootcamp.
Still, this is only delaying the moment they get voted off and I get to say 'Next Of Kin have been informed'.
Hoping to do better than James McDonald Bus Driver, we have another McDonald up next. This is Nicholas and he's singing A Thousand Years by Christina Perri.
"I'll sing 'em summin from Twilight..."
"...bitches love Twilight."
The audience love him, the judges love him, he gets four yeses, everyone cries, everyone claps a lot and Nicholas goes through to bootcamp.
WELL DONE NICHOLAS.
GOD I'm sick of this show.
That's that for this weekend then, join me next weekend...
Yeah... I already said that.
...for this year's FINAL AUDITIONS!
See you there!