Tuesday, 3 September 2013

"You know what there hasn't been enough of this weekend? The X Factor. Let's have some more X Factor." - No one.

If you watched Saturday's show and thought "Yeah this is great and all, but what these mentally ill people really need is a live crowd of 4000 people to either cheer them into an undeserved ego or boo them into suicide."... you're in luck! Because Sunday's show is all about the big ol' arena audition.

Just like series six, seven, eight and nine.

Because everything is so new and refreshed.

We kick things off with a peek inside the home of prison officer and producer favourite, Sam Bailey.

Who shall henceforth be known as 'Old Bailey'.

Sam's adorable husband and deaf dog are joined by two impossibly cute children. 

These aren't actually Sam's kids, these are child actors approved by The X Factor producers.

After watching these people eat breakfast for a bit, we're also treated to shots of lots of other people commuting. Because that's equally interesting to look at.

We have the worried commute...

"This is the biggest day of my life."

The moody commute...

"This is the biggest day of my life."

...And even some trains commuting!

"This is the biggest day of our lives!"

Then everyone arrives at Wembley and it's: Time. To. Face. The. Audience. 

Who. Are. Really. Pissed. Off. And. Bored. Because. They. Thought. The. Whole. Show. Only. Took. An. Hour. To. Film. But. They've. Been. In. Wembley. Arena. Being. Forced. To. Scream. And. Cheer. Every. Ten. Minutes. For. Ten. Days. Without. Food. Or. Water.


Also, Leonardo DiCaprio is there so that's nice. 

Hiya Leo! Loved you in Gatsby!
Well, actually I didn't see it because I keep forgetting about Orange Wednesdays but the trailer looked really good anyways.

First up is Old Bailey and, as predicted, we get to see her room audition all over again.

Can you remember things that happened one day ago? No? That's okay, The X Factor has labelled the following footage just for people like you.

Thanks X Factor, I was getting this confused with my tenth birthday in 1998.

We have some more random clips of Sam At Work, Sam With Hairspray etc. then we finally get to her audition.
"Sing your heart out." says Nicole, using what seems to be the judges' phrase of choice this series. 

Good job no one takes it literally.

Sam's son has also fallen asleep, which just goes to show how long these poor people have been waiting around for. 

Sam was actually pregnant with him when she had her first audition.

Sam sings Who's Lovin' You by Smokey Robinson and is very good, much to Nicole's distress.

"Oh man, I wish I could sing."

The arena explodes with applause and Nicole yells "GREAT JOB, BABY!" because it's important to patronise those who you feel are more talented than yourself.

"It was absolutely phenomenal!" says Gary, "I mean, where have you been?"

"I've been busy being a mum." says Sam.

Hear that, boy? You nearly ruined your mother's life!

Leonardo DiCaprio is finding the whole thing particularly emotional. 

"This is more emotional than that time in Titanic when Rose said she'd never let go then totally fucking let go."

Sam gets a unanimous 'yes' from the judges and then all her family run on and everyone starts crying and whatever.

Next up is Hannah, who says this is the biggest performance of her life.

Really Hannah? You do surprise me.

"Sing your heart out." says Nicole.


Hannah sings One Night Only from Dreamgirls and goes through.

Following her is Justin Bieber tribute act, Luke. 

Who looks nothing like Justin Bieber.

We're forced to endure his first audition again, featuring his sickly sweet pop song Think Positive. That was last night, remember?


For his arena audition, Luke is singing a very shaky version of Get Lucky by Daft Punk and Pharrell Williams. The judges don't look impressed at all. 

Apart from Louis, that is, who's wondering if might actually be able to get lucky with this one after the show.

Nicole and Louis (obviously) vote to give him a chance but Gary and Sharon send him home, saying he should come back next year. 

Don't worry Luke, that means you're almost guaranteed to win in 2014. 

Next up is Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro.

Also known as Alejan-Joe McElderry.

"I am AleHANdrrrro FerrrrNANdeTH from... West Sussex" says Alejan-Joe hilariously as he walks on stage.

The first few bars of Hero by Enrique Iglesias kick in and I'm already cringing but Alejan-Joe makes it ten times worse by beginning to sing in Spanish.

"Si si arriba poncho, baby... Si, si arriba piƱata yeaah!" - Writer's impression.

Nicole goes mental because she didn't realise there was more than one language...

"What are these crazy sounds!?"

...While Sharon gets an uncomfortable flashback featuring the Mexican pool boy at her Beverly Hills mansion...

...And has to down her gin and tonic to make it go away.

When it's time for the judges' vote, Louis says "You're not the best singer here..." only for Sharon to interrupt him by yelling "THAT DOESN'T MATTER!"

Thereby neatly encapsulating the entire X Factor ethos in one sentence.

Gary doesn't think he can sing that well either but Alejan-Joe gets four yeses anyway because fuck it.

Fil's back!

"What a dick." - Girl on the right. 

Since Fil has been told he needs an edge, he's gone out and bought some shiny new Converse.

Because nothing says 'ROCK' like pristine footwear.

And he's only gone and got himself tattooed.

He likes to call this one 'heart monitor in a mirror'.

But don't worry kids, the tattoos aren't real. In fact, we are assured by Fil's mum, his friend put them on for him.

Fil begins by walking off the stage again.

Phor Phucks sake Fil, you have to stop doing this.

Then he comes back on again but this time he's TOPLESS!


What are you saying, Fil's parents!?


Fil wanders off into the audience, whimpers about metal for a bit and then climbs on the judges' table, half-heartedly chucks Gary's glass at the stage and goes "Yeaaaah!"

"Yeaa..aah? Did I do it right?"

No Fil, you didn't.

Encouraged by the audience's polite yet confused applause, Fil throws another glass, only to have water chucked at him by Gary!


Everyone calm down, there's a dripping naked man on the table and it's all getting a bit too much for Louis!


For Louis' sake, everyone chills out a bit and the judges vote. It looks like they've had their Fil so he's sent home.

Health and safety get sent in to clean up...

Because ROCK has CONSEQUENCES, people.

...and we're on to the next auditions courtesy of Jerrie and Tamera, the artists formerly known as Silver Rock.

Jerrie's up first and she's singing We Found Love by Rihanna. I don't want to be mean so I'll just show you Louis' reaction.

Sorry Jerrie.

NicoLouis vote to give her a chance but Shary vote to send her home and poor Jerrie slopes off.

This random guy shows up.

Who the hell is Elliot? Get out of here Elliot.

Then it's finally time for Tamera's audition. Since we didn't see any of Jerrie's family, yet we get to meet Tamera's nan, I'm guessing she's going to go through.

Her success might also have something to do with her overt support for the Illuminati. 

Tamera sings I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston. To my surprise, it all goes tits up as she appears to forget the words.

I spend most of this time terrified that she's going to accidentally gouge her own eyes out with her nails. 

She asks for two seconds and hurries off the stage to ask her mum what the words are. Then she comes back and has another go, this time with Gary mouthing the lyrics to help her along.

Gary <3's Whitney.

Despite a few more stumbles, Tamera pulls it out of the bag and the judges put her through.

I'm looking forward to the horrific moment where they make her talk to her old bandmate who didn't get through but, sadly, Jerrie has already been forgotten by the producers and we aren't treated to that awkward encounter.

Still, I'm sure Tamera will keep in touch with Jerrie throughout her rise to fame.

This is almost definitely the last time you'll see them together.

That's that for weekend one of The X Factor then! Join me next week when I'll be talking about this Spongebob fan:

This shifty-looking giant baby:

And the return of Filthy Luke. 

See you next week!

No comments:

Post a Comment