Thursday, 3 October 2013

Made In Chelsea goes on the game

No, no, don't worry. The denizens of the world's most fancy borough haven't yet turned to prostitution (that comes after the show gets cancelled) -- I'm talking about Made In Chelsea: The Game.

Yep, just in case you can't possibly wait for the show to return to your screens, Channel 4 has ever so kindly made a whole iPhone game revolving around the lives of these moneyed morons.

Naturally, I couldn't pass up the chance to review this cr-app.

The characters already look 100% more lifelike and believable. 

The aim of the game appears to be to gather diamonds and followers on Twitter, which is all anyone can hope for really.

I begin by creating my own character, that can be named anything I please.

"What shall we call you? Trixie?" the game simpers.

I think fucking not.

I toy with a few options...

...before landing on the perfect name. 

This seems more appropriate, somehow.

That being sorted, the game can begin! Now I get to see what it would be like if I really moved to Chelsea!

They forgot shagging and bitching. 

I am told to get dressed, and opt for funeral attire. My character is in mourning for all the decent TV programmes now nearly obliterated by mindless reality shows, I decide. 

Note the impossibly big head. This game is proving to be very true to life. 

I have to buy my clothes with diamonds. I'm assuming that this is because that's also how things are really done in Chelsea. 

I'm feeling very pleased with my outfit until Mark Fucking Francis pops up to tell me I'm not fashionable enough and to throw diamonds at me until I buy better clothes.

Fuck off Mark Francis.

Pride injured but wardrobe sorted, I get to move into my new flat. 

You start out poor so all you get is this measly open-plan flat decorated with wood floors, feature walls and deer heads. 

It's at this point, however, that I hit another true-to-life snag. You see, I seem to have already spent all my diamonds on clothes.

Apparently the only way to get fame and followers in the game is to buy them with real life money.

Just like the Made In Chelsea cast did! 

Since I am unwilling to do this for obvious reasons, I find that my character is completely and utterly broke.

...and when you're broke in Chelsea, you have:

- No friends

- No dates

- and no social status

You are a NOBODY, peasant!

I can't go anywhere because my front door is red for some reason. 

"You are locked in here until you are rich enough to be allowed on the streets of Kensington."

I can't even afford a date with Jamie Laing who, in real life, probably accepts sweets in return for sexual favours.

Well, this is embarrassing.

I wander aimlessly around my flat, staring miserably at artwork I should never have purchased. 

"I only bought this to impress Bob! Now I can't even afford half a Bloody Mary."

I contemplate suicide but find I can only ineffectually headbutt walls over and over again.

It is actually quite satisfying to do this lots while imagining it's a real MIC character.

Eventually, in despair, I realise there's nothing for it but to go begging. 

I loathe myself.

This precious diamond gives me enough to buy a gift for Francis for some reason. 

I was going to choose Bob but his avatar looks suspiciously like Elton John.

Anyway now that I have bought him something, I have 10% of Francis' respect.

Take note, girls!

Confident I've now got this sussed, I sit back and wait for date offers from Francis to come flooding in, followed by diamonds and followers aplenty. 

After waiting by my (still red) front door for a good ten minutes, nothing has changed. Francis has seemingly fucked off with my diamonds...

"Us too!" - Africa.

...leaving me alone and destitute in this strange poor people's prison. 

Now completely at a loss and unwilling to spend any more of my time or any of my actual money on this bizarre dystopian farce, it all becomes too much...

...and I walk Tory gently into the fireplace, and sadly switch on the gas. 

The End. 

While the game is absolutely mind-numbing to play, overall I think the game makers have done a very good job of warning normal people about what would happen to them should they ever decide to move to Chelsea. 

Namely, one spends one's entire existence trying to impress a gang of varying buffoonery before rapidly running out of money and dying poor and alone in a ridiculously decorated apartment. 

I give this game 0 out of 5 stars for enjoyability and 5 out of 5 stars for realism.

Well done everyone involved. 

1 comment:

  1. I like thinking about the amount of time somebody spent lovingly designing this. It makes me feel better about my life. xx