Despite my slaving over FenceWatch and dedicating week after week to coming up with ever more new and creative ways to call Spencer an arsehole, my 'MADE IN CHELSEA IS SHIT' message is obviously not getting through to the producers and we've been treated to the news that this upmarket excreta will be back for not one but THREE new series.
That means it is guaranteed to stay on our tellyboxes for another. Whole. Year.
This cannot be allowed to go unpunished, so BAD TV is back to cast an increasingly depressed eye over Series 6, in which I am sure Spencer will be a dick, Louise will cry, Lucy will be naked, Andy will be nostrils, and everyone will spend the entire time wondering whether Jamie oughtn't to have some sort of full-time care in place.
But first, farewell to these dearly departed dimwits!
Sadly on/off gay hair sensation Ollie will not be joining us for the new series. After experiencing three breakups over five series, Ollie instead plans to follow up his 'book' Laid In Chelsea with another 'novel' about relationships.
Because Ollie Locke is so good at relationships.
I would like to say I wish him all the best but I don't, because the last thing the world needs is more of this:
I've seen King's Road and it is not Ollie Locke's penis.
SHOCK HORROR! Chelsea's most expressive resident Millie will also be leaving us. Millie is just devastated about this news.
Instead of Made In Chelsea, Millie will be busy embarking on her new marriage to Professor Green, something which she is ecstatic about.
"This is the happiest day of my life."
ANYWAY! Enough preamble, let's get on with the show.
In glorious X Factor style, we have to be reminded about a whole bunch of stuff that happened in Series 5, like the plot is hard to keep up with.
Everyone is rich and promiscuous! - The Plot
Oh goodie! I forgot about Quote of the Day. Let's see what pearls of wisdom the Chelsea contingent can come up with today.
THAT'S FASCINATING THANKS SPENCER.
Someone bring me some bricks! I have a fourth wall that needs rebuilding!
Ohhhh, he's in therapy!
Just give up lady, it's too late for this one.
Meanwhile, LucyBot activates her submarine function to reenact the Nirvana Nevermind album cover...
Only there's no dollar bill because one simply doesn't carry cash in Chelsea.
...While, around her, everyone enjoys a nice civilised country house party.
Just like Downton Abbey.
Phoebe's PhoeBoobs appear before she does, which says a lot about Phoebe.
Good to see you're putting your best boobs forward this series, Phoebe.
Even Andy and Louise are on their way!
Well I guess every party has to have that one miserable person everyone tries to avoid talking to.
Now poolside, Binky and Lucy are discussing Lucy's breakup with Spencer. Apparently, Lucy has found out that Spencer slept with 'at least four' other girls while they were together.
Who is sleeping with this man!?
We cut back to the wonky-quiffed Spencer himself. He's still in therapy but even the therapist can't bear talking to him (and she's getting paid to do it.)
"Shutupshutupshutup. And get a haircut."
Apparently poor tortured Spencer has a problem. A disease, if you will.
No, it's not syphilis.
Apparently Spencer is actually suffering from 'I can't break up with people'-itis, meaning that he simply has to sleep with other women because it's the only way of ending unhappy relationships.
Although, probably also syphilis.
Back at the pool party, Lucy reveals that she's swearing off men.
"If anyone with a penis comes and talks to me, I'll be very angry." she states.
Wait... does he have...? I don't think he has a penis so this is probably okay.
Yep, rising from the water like a Loch Ness Wanker, Biscuit Baron Jamie Laing makes his first appearance.
Perching on Binky's sunbed, he asks Lucy if she and Louise are friends now.
"LucyBot does not have friends. Besides, the wet-faced one would only make me rusty."
Talking of the wet-faced one, she and Andy have arrived. Having ensured the pool is topped up with tears, Louise commences to bitch about Lucy and Spencer. Again.
"I'm so over Spencer. I hate Spencer. Let's talk about Spencer. I love Spencer."
Suddenly the couple are interrupted by FRESH MEAT.
Just an aside: when everyone told me there was a new character called Miffy, you all neglected to mention IT WAS A MAN. A fact that makes this name 100% more hilarious.
Yes, Miffy joins Binky in the growing list of characters whose parents were so champagne-drunk at the birth that they had to name their kid after the household pet to avoid confusion.
"Heeeeere... um... Simon? Wait... Muffin and Timothy? Something about... Fred? Oh fuck it, just call them both Miffy."
The quartet make baffling small talk about sweet birds before, surprise surprise, Freddie brings up Lucy Watson.
Oh christ, please don't get them started.
Having established that Freddie is interested in Lucy, we get to enjoy a little party montage featuring:
- Some dad-dancing from Francis.
- Inexplicable snarling from Phoebe.
- And a really unimpressed and cold-looking Lucy being carried around the pool by Jamie as the directors scream at them to look like they're having fun.
"LUCYBOT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR GELID HUMAN FUN."
Just when everyone is having a lovely time, Spencer arrives to ruin it.
Pictured here coming in to land from Planet Dickhead.
He rendezvous with Jamie to discuss how they are both single now. I guess this means Jamie's girlfriend Tara obviously finally saw sense and freed herself from her biscuity prison.
Jamie seems to go to great lengths to assure Spencer he is really, really single but Spencer fails to take the hint and instead starts talking about Louise.
Never mind, Jamie. One day he'll notice you.
"I'm surprised Louise and Andy are still together after THAT NIGHT." says Spencer with everything short of a wink and a nudge, before going on to boast about how Louise keeps texting him all the time now.
I don't know whether he's talking about the night Louise spent with
We have to endure yet more awkward dancing and forced naked party fun before Phoebe and her Predator-style corn rows decide to have a totally casual conversation with Alex in a field.
"Nothing to see here! Just having a totally normal, not set up conversation with my ex in a field."
They are mid discussion about Jamie's newfound single status when suddenly: Fran out of nowhere!
"I've spent so much time with you individually!" Fran announces, by way of a bizarre greeting.
Phoebe walks off in search of alcohol or because her boobs can't stand being covered up on TV for that long, leaving Fran and Alex to unsubtly let us know that they might be doing a romance now.
It's hard to care about these two at the best of times, but I lose concentration completely when freaky, tiny Jamie and Phoebe start running around in the background.
Honey, I Shrunk the K-Idiots.
Back at the pool, newcomer Freddie wastes no time in introducing himself to Lucy.
Lucy still hasn't quite mastered the human art of handshaking.
Freddie attempts to woo Lucy. Somewhat unsuccessfully.
Rich people mating rituals are BIZARRE.
He calls her 'intimidating' before panicking and blurting out that he wants to take her for a drink.
"No." says Lucy.
"After you just had a seizure in front of me? I don't think so."
She finally acquiesces to a drink 'as friends' and Freddie stumbles off, looking stunned.
"Good God these human males are pathetic."
Elsewhere, Binky has fun rocking a terrified Mark Francis in a rowing boat...
"You capsize this boat, I capsize your world." Mark hisses, confirming that he is, in fact, Klaatu.
...While Alex and Fran play croquet.
I'm not saying Alex is compensating for something he doesn't have swinging between his legs but I'm not saying he isn't.
Also playing garden games are Andy, Stevie and Jamie, who convene to discuss yet more fresh meat in the shape of new girls Belle and Tiffany.
One of whom has obviously decided to go down the Phoebe route of getting noticed.
Talk turns back to Andy and Louise. Apparently Andy is not happy because Louise keeps going out all night and not answering his messages.
"So she just turns off her phone?" asks Jamie.
"No, no. She keeps losing them. She's been through five phones." Andy answers.
"WAIT a minute..."
Back by the pool, Rosie and Lucy are also discussing the Great Disappearing Louise.
By complete coincidence, Louise is then shoved on to stage left by the director. She walks over and greets Rosie, much to Lucy's annoyance.
For God's sake people, just socialise in different places.
Louise tells Rosie all about her holiday with Andy (which was sooooo laaaahvley, in case you give a shit) while Lucy does some half-hearted giggling in the corner.
"Hee. Hee. Hee. -- fuck's sake, how long do I have to do this for? -- Hee. Hee. Hee."
Louise finally notices and the two enter into another Battle of Wits.
"Are you happy you gave Spencer a chance then?" says Louise.
"...Oh my God... Okay..." says Lucy.
"The only reason he was with you anyway was to fuck you." says Louise.
"Okay fine..." says Lucy.
I don't think I can take much more of this sparkling banter but luckily... what's this?
Could it be?
At just 17 minutes and 30 seconds into the FIRST episode of the series: we have LOUISE TEARS!
And... She's... OUTTA HERE!
Night falls and this insufferable party is STILL going.
"Good lord but this is depressing to look at." - The Moon.
Poor Lucy is forced to endure more people insisting on talking to her.
This time it's Andy, who has come to apologise for not being there for her but also to whine about his own relationship.
"I don't caaaare."
Lucy has had enough and decides to put paid to Andy and Louise's relationship once and for all.
"I heard from a mutual friend that she was like at a house party with some of her friends and there were guys there and stuff and she was like taking her top off and like had her tits out." she says of Louise.
"This one tiiiime at band caaaamp..."
Then HE starts crying and LUCY starts crying and everyone's bloody crying.
Meaning Louise has successfully spread her leaky eye parasite and can now move on to infect other social circles.
Elsewhere, Francis' bum makes a brief appearance as he struggles to get out of a ladder-less pool.
I used to do this to my Sims.
Luckily Rosie comes to the rescue and passes him his shorts. Francis decides to take this inopportune moment to ask her out.
Yay Rosie! You got a love interest!
I mean... it's weird naked Francis but still, better than nothing!
I mean... it's weird naked Francis but still, better than nothing!
Sadly ghosts cannot love the living, so Rosie turns him down and floats away into the night.
Andy decides it's high time he did some question-asking of his own and confronts Louise about what happened the night she went missing.
Louise blathers a bit in defence of her actions and then blathers more intensely when she finds out it was Lucy who told Andy about them.
"I deserve better." says Andy, walking away.
We're left to witness Round Two of Louise Tears.
And we're only halfway through the episode! Good going Weeze!
Then it's the morning after the night before and the party is finally over. There's only one way to celebrate.
About fucking time, fence!
That morning Andy goes to Louise's house to pick up some stuff, only to have the front door answered by Louise's brother Sam, who has the facial expressions of a Cillit Bang salesman.
"Hi! I'm Barry Scott!"
Louise doesn't want to split up but Andy is staying firm.
You can tell he means business because he's wearing his Serious Glasses.
After telling Louise it's over, Andy picks up his stuff and leaves.
Since Andy's 'stuff' consists mostly of a guitar, this makes him look amusingly like a door-to-door minstrel.
Stevie and Spencer have also decided to retire to the pub for the obligatory morning-after Bloody Mary.
This scene has too much quiff.
Spencer witters on about not talking to Lucy because he felt it was inappropriate or whatever. Stevie is bored of this topic and amuses himself by pulling funny faces.
"One day Stevie get girlfriend too."
Luckily Louise's brother Barry Scott turns up to change the topic.
"Did you know Cillit Bang can remove limescale, rust and ground-in dirt?!"
He also breaks the news that Andy and Louise have split up because of the whole turning-the-phone-off-and-disappearing incident.
"I'm not trying to be a dick but, she never turned her phone off and went out when she was with me." says Spencer.
You don't have to try Spencer, it just seems to come naturally to you.
Poor Barry tries to defend his sister but Spencer just talks over him, saying he thinks he ought to go and talk to Louise.
Let's see if Stevie thinks this is a good idea:
Some idiot obviously missed the opportunity to call this a Bob-Up Shop.
Inside, Bob, Jamie, Francis and Alex are also discussing the pool party.
Heaven forbid anyone talk about the news or something.
We find out that Alex and Fran shared a goodbye kiss, even though Alex is Phoebe's ex.
Francis decides it's in everyone's best interest if he texts Phoebe and tells her about the kiss.
I love Francis' idea of 'everyone's best interests'.
We cut to said Fran, who is having the same 'Is it bad if I kissed Alex' discussion with Cheska.
Seriously guys, there are other topics. Have any of you tried reading, perhaps?
UH OH, back at the Bob-Up Shop, Phoebe has arrived!
"Did you get my text?" asks Francis.
"Well it's obviously not true..." says Phoebe. "...Is it?"
Upon learning that it is in fact true and that Alex and Fran did kiss, Phoebe and her PhoeBoobs get PhoebPissed off and Francis gets to enjoy the fruits of his texting labour.
"Well someone has to try and make this show interesting."
Here are some houses with shadows of other houses on them.
I think this represents desolation, urban decay and the futility of watching reality television.
It's night time again and Louise is trying to relax in her living room when Spencer does a Fran-Out-Of-Nowhere.
Spencer has come to cheer Louise up and talk about her problems, so naturally he spends the whole time talking about himself.
It's okay though because Louise isn't listening.
She just really likes this mug.
Fence, glorious fence!
I must admit, fence, your presence in this episode has been disappointing. Let's try and work on this for the rest of the series.
The following day, Spencer hits the gym with fellow dumbbell Stevie. He tells Stevie that he did go to see Louise in the end, but only because BARRY said it was a good idea.
You sweaty, lying swine.
He continues to try to defend his actions but I stop listening after he says "OH POOR WUBBY" and then pulls this face:
This gym just acquired a new punchbag.
FenceWatch is picking up pace.
Elsewhere, Rosie finally gets a scene in bed with another character but it's just rubbish old crying Louise.
"Fuck, I should have said 'yes' to weird naked Francis."
I'VE FORGOTTEN WHERE THIS SHOW TAKES PLACE.
Oh yeah. Phew, thanks!
Spencer ruins a perfectly lovely fence shot to make a phone call to Binky.
Fuck off Spencer.
Spencer wants to know where Binky and Lucy will be going out that night because he wants to swing by and talk to Lucy.
Binky tells him the name of the bar but, like Stevie, thinks that Spencer talking to anyone is a bad idea.
Spencer doesn't listen though, instead opting to do a disgusting kissing noise down the phone before hanging up.
Meanwhile, Fran and Cheska are doing a fake 'trying on clothes' scene so that Phoebe can turn up and be angry at them.
"Oh hi Phoebe! We were just not trying on clothes."
Phoebe confronts Fran about her budding romance with Alex. For some reason Cheska is also there and even joins in the discussion to ask if Phoebe might ever be happy with Fran dating Alex.
...Why are you talking??
Anyway, Phoebe makes her feelings on the matter quite clear.
"I feel eye rolly about this."
Later, Binky and Lucy head off on their night out, and Binky has to break the news that she told Spencer where they would be.
Right on cue, Spencer shows up.
Le tosspot, il est arrivé.
He says that he and Lucy need to talk and Binky offers to leave, though God knows where she's going considering they are in a bar and no one else they know is there.
"Okay guys, I'll leave you to it.
Well... actually I'm just going to go stand behind the camera and watch from there."
Well... actually I'm just going to go stand behind the camera and watch from there."
Spencer begins the conversation by saying that he cheated on Lucy because he was 'questioning the validity' of their relationship.
Lucy does quite a good job of cutting him down to size but then ruins it all by saying that she did love him.
No LucyBot. Bad LucyBot.
At another bar, Stevie and Andy also meet for drinks.
Andy has enhanced his Serious Glasses with a post-break up five o'clock shadow, just to let you know he is Brooding and Depressed.
He talks sadly and poetically about Spencer being a dark cloud on his and Louise's relationship, leaving poor Stevie with the unenviable task of telling him that Spencer has since been to see Louise.
"Why?!" asks Andy.
"I think he wants to be friends." Stevie responds.
When what he should actually say is: "Because he's a wanker and we should all really stop being surprised about that."
Once again, it's left to Lucy to plough ahead with the truth.
When Spencer tries to talk to her about Louise, she brilliantly responds: "Oh my God, you are So. Annoying." Followed by the superlative "Go fuck yourself!"
I'm not in this scene but if I was, it would look something like this.
Lucy: so good, I can only express my feelings in cats.
Sadly Lucy is left in tears but, in my opinion, it's worth it just to hear someone tell Spencer to go fuck himself.
Next Week on Made In Chelsea
- Spencer gets a new girlfriend and it's Stephanie Pratt. For those of you lucky enough to have never seen The Hills, Stephanie is sister to American reality TV star Spencer Pratt who is called Spencer and has a quiff and is famous for no reason and is horrible and arrogant and treats women like shit.
- Phoebe and Fran finally figure out a way to have secret arguments in public.
This shall later come to be known as The Battle of Hats.
- And a still miserable-looking Louise takes to wearing only sequinned clothing.
After finding out they help the tears slide off quicker.
See you next week!