Thursday, 28 February 2013

My Little Princess: A fairytale for modern times. Or moron times.

Once upon a time, a princess was really beautiful or had a lot of hair or sang well or d) all of the above. She went on an adventure or was kidnapped or was exiled by a jealous queen/witch/stepmother and there were fairies, goblins, elves, trolls, dwarves, giants, mermaids, and/or gnomes, and probably some magic and enchantments if Wikipedia is to be believed. 

There might also have been a naked man jumping on nuns. 
Wikipedia is very open-minded regarding fairy tales. 

Anyway, after making the transition from 'damsel' to 'damsel in distress' via dragon/tower/witch/apple/spinning wheel...

Speaking of which: For fuck's sake Sleeping Beauty. 'Don't touch the spinning wheel'. It's like the ONE thing you've had to remember in your whole mollycoddled existence. 

...the princess requires rescuing by a metrosexual, plain-enough-that-he-could-be-anyone's-type Prince Charming. 

"Why, hello! We've never met but I'm here to have non-consensual kissing with you!"

He breaks the spell or slays the dragon or impales the sea queen on his ship...

Jesus Eric, someone went a little OVERBOARD ;) ;)

... and the lovers are reunited for some PG pecking on the lips and a life lived happily ever after. 

Until she had kids and got fat.

When I was little, that was how fairy tales went. That's how fairy tales are meant to go. 

Shitting on all of that however is My Little Princess, the show that would like everyone to know that today's fairy tale role model is a cocktail waitress from Amersham. her hair made of gold? If her hair is made from gold then this could still work. 
Sadly, I think it is made out of other people's hair. 

Yes, this is the latest oozing 'entertainment' sore to infect E4. 

In case you've been lucky enough to miss it, the concept is thus: Jaimi's dad (who is an estate agent called Dickie Plum, obviously) is very protective of her. They have signed up to this show in order that he might assist her in finding a Dickie Plum-approved one true love from a selection of 'hot single boys'. 

Well, that's the metrosexual part taken care of at least.

This wearisome wonderland of woe features a whole host of delightful characters whom we meet along the way. 

We have Princess Jaimi herself, who says she is 'twenny-free'. 

I don't know what a twenny is but apparently she does not have one.

Her dad, Dickie Plum. 

Who looks a bit like if Ray Winstone and Danny Dyer punched a baby into existence. 

Genuine, esteemed professor and neuropsychologist David D. Lewis from the University of Sussex.

Dr. David D. Lewis, BSc (Hons), D.Phil. FISMA. FRSM. FINSTD. AFBPS. C.Psychol. and owner of a shiny, shiny stick!

This somewhat terrifying old lady.


And a dwarf. 

Because those are hilarious, right??

Not that we can forget our princely contestants. Or, as I like to call them: actors. 

Those drama school fees were really worth it, weren't they boys?

Since E4 takes its themes very seriously, everyone is required to dress up in suitable fairy tale outfits thus making this the next in a long line of TV shows featuring people willing to humiliate themselves beyond repair just to enjoy a brief, fetid spell on your tellybox.

They will never, ever live this down as long as there are 'lads' and 'pubs' and 'smart phones'.

In order to win Jaimi's heart, the boys must undergo what the VO man calls 'terrible twisted tests of love'. 

But which I call, 'Total Wipeout'.

Tasks include:

Give King Dickie a calendar full of naked gay men!

Hahahahaha HILARIOUS.

(This actually results in Prince Ben being the first to leave the competition when he gets beaten to death by King Dickie because King Dickie hates gays.)

Except E4 aren't quite allowed to say that so King Dickie just looks Ben up and down with eyes that whisper 'I hate gays'. 

Dickhead catapult! 

More satisfying than I'd like to admit.

Dickhead trapdoor!

Into a pond!

And some sort of weird water jousting!

For dickheads!

After each task, the hapless loser gets thrown off a bridge. Arguably the only good thing to happen in the entire show. 

If only the bridge were a little bit higher. Or over a motorway.

The whole thing culminates with a bizarre music video-style sing off, in which it all becomes clear that Jaimi is actually using the show to launch what I predict to be a really, really unsuccessful music career. 

Stop it immediately.

And then the whole sorry mess starts all over again next week, with yet another fame-hungry bimbo and his daughter. 

Look at that slut in his furs.

And the moral of the story is: E4 have once again edged society ever closer to destruction, effectively ruining anyone's chances of living happily ever after, ever again.

The End.