Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Made In Chelsea: Season 5 Episode 4 - I thought these scenes were created for my entertainment, not my ennui.

Previously on Made In Chelsea

Someone discovered a magic bridge to the moon yet, instead of learning about that, we had to spend 20 minutes listening to people talk about gay porn.

Magic bridge to the moon > gay porn.

Jamie remembered his hair is a stupid colour. 

"But it's called 'middle of a Rich Tea biscuit'-blonde. They said it was a family tradition!"

Tara remembered she was Jamie's girlfriend. 

Enough to give anyone sadface.

Lucy found a loose screw in her CPU case.

Has anyone tried switching her off and on again?

And Spencer demonstrated all the emotional capacity of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, as well as most of his facial expressions. 

"My ego's roughly the size of a baaaaaaarge!"

This week's Quote Of The Day apparently comes from 'Binky's Mum', who is either Binky's mum or someone called BinkysMum. In a show with characters named Proudlock, Ian The, and something about lettuce, I wouldn't be surprised if it was the latter. 

This could also easily refer to any of the males in this show.

The show has barely even begun and, in true posh people style, the girls have already hit the bar. 

Shut up Binky, you're drunk.

All the women have balls between their legs. 

This is what you get in a borough rife with inbreeding.

FENCEWATCH! 1:08 in et voilĂ : Fence.

The Americans have 'from sea to shining sea', we have 'from fence to blurry fence.'

Now that everyone hates him, Spencer is so lonely that he's taken to sleeping with a tuft of Jamie's stupid hair. 

Hopefully this means someone has shaved off Jamie's stupid hair.

Back at the girls' pilates session, Louise is wearing a top that says 'Dope' on the back. 

Just doing my job for me, Louise.

Back in Spencer's bed, it turns out the tuft of Jamie's hair is actually a whole Jamie. 

This has to be #1 on every girl's list of the worst possible outcomes of a drunken night out.

The boys flirt for a bit but the whole time Spencer is cuddling a teddy bear and it makes me feel so sick that I have to skip back to the girls again. 

Only one man I wanna see with a teddy.

Louise is relaying what happened when she went to pick up her things from Spencer's. Apparently he told her that, if she was going to sleep with anyone, he would rather it was him. To save her from getting with random people.

This is such a ridiculous thing for Spencer to say that it causes the unimaginable to happen. 

Oh my God, Millie! You can do emotions!

Louise goes on to say that Spencer has tried to 'veto' some of her post-Spencer men options. Louise describes this as 'quite sweet' as it shows he still 'cares a lot'.

How in flying fuck is this 'quite sweet', Louise?

"I heard that this guy called Hitler tried to create a master race by killing loads of people? Which is quite sweet 'cause he was actually showing that he cares a lot about Aryans."

It's not surprising to find out that one of the men Spencer vetoed was Andy. Millie, so far probably the only character to find love outside the cast list, advises her to 'move on to cleaner pastures'. 

Louise's face says "Yeah, no I'm just going to continue to sleep with Spencer and probably also date Andy at the same time for good measure."

Louise has no shits to give about Millie's pastures.

Stevie gives us Made In Chelsea's version of the Gongman. 


We have to watch him doing various backlit exercises for what seems like forever before we get some nostril action. 

"Hold it... hold it... aand then back." 
Stevie orchestrates Andy's flaring technique.

"What happened to your face?" asks Stevie and for a minute I think everyone's just allowed to talk about the nostrils now, then we're treated to a full-on horrific closeup. 

Hunchback of Notre D'Andy.

"I've got an infection." says Quasim'Andy, miserably and somewhat disgustingly. I have to agree with Stevie when he says that Andy will probably have to come up with a cooler story than that.

"They locked me in a bell tower..."

Since a walk is apparently something that needs to be planned in advance, Andy asks Stevie if he's coming on the country walk tomorrow. Stevie confirms that he is coming and Andy says "I thought you were afraid of the countryside." 

"No!" says Stevie indignantly, "That was when I was like..."

I will him with all my heart to say five years old. Or six. Or even anything up to 10, 10 is still a fairly acceptable age to be afraid of woods. 

"That was when I was like 16." says Stevie. 

Oh COME ON, Stevie. Stop making this so easy.

To get over that embarrassing moment, they quickly start talking about last week's revelation that Spencer had spent most of his relationship with Louise putting his undersized penis into another lady with bad judgement. IN LOUISE'S BED.

Andy asks Stevie if he knows anything about this. Stevie makes the face that toddlers make when they try and deny that they ate all the chocolate cake even though you have evidence of them doing it on toddler CCTV or however people look after kids. 

"Nuh uh I don't know nothin' about Spencer definitely having sex in Louise's bed with someone who wasn't Louise three weeks ago on Tuesday."

He finally confesses that he was there the night it happened.

"You DID eat all the chocolate cake!" What are we talking about again?

As if we needed any more evidence, we have it straight from the Stevie's mouth that Spencer is a colossal twatbag. 

There's only one thing that can calm me down right now. 

Thank you.

Then we have these ones.

Who are these ones again?

Ohh yes, that's right. The Frans.

Apparently Fran likes Andy, which makes Frandy. Another Fran makes a joke about Andy's nostrils which means jokes about Andy's nostrils are no longer funny. 

Like when politicians join Twitter. 

Remember how we enjoyed close up water pouring last week? 

If you didn't see that coming then your name is probably Jamie Laing.

Talk of the idiot and the idiot doth appear. We're back to Spencer's bed (or maybe Louise's, who knows with this monster).

Spencer wants to make himself look better by making those around him look worse, so he asks Jamie exactly what happened in Verbier. 

"Ohh can't we go back to talking about you and Lucy that woman in Louise's bed again??"

Spencer informs Jamie that Lucy is still hawking her rumour-wares around Chelsea. "This is so annoying!" says Jamie.

"Most of my life I have to deal with shit like this." sympathises Spencer. 

(Well if you would both maybe just stop sleeping with other women...?)

"It's like being put in jail for something you haven't done!" whines Jamie.

"...yeah!" says Spencer.

"Yeah! Or... sometimes something you have done... but, yeah!"

Elsewhere, Binky is meeting Binkysmum for some close-up olives and bread. 

Just in case you weren't sure what olives and bread look like.

Lucy is also there. If you thought she was uncomfortable around her peers, it gets even better around parents. 


It looks like Binky has brought her here to see if Binkysmum can program some sense into her re: Jamie. 

Lucy begins to tell Binkysmum how she and Jamie kissed when they were pissed (pissed kissed?) but her internal dictionary can't come up with a mum-appropriate alternative for 'pissed' so she says 'piddled' instead. 

"What the devil is 'piddled'?? In my day, we called it 'absolutely fucking slaughtered."

Lucy reveals that Jamie has tried it on with her even more recently than the ski trip. 

Either that or someone's just told Binky that Chelsea isn't a country.

Binkysmum's verdict? He's a tit and he needs a slap. 

I could have told them that about four series ago. 

Then we're off for the long-anticipated country walk taking place in Box Hill.

Which is apparently 80% sky.

20% black sheep in a savannah. 

Jamie is complaining because he claims was dragged from the countryside to the city at an early age. Was he once some sort of feral child? This would make a lot of sense. He is also annoyed because Lucy is here. 

We cut to the robotic one herself, glaring at Binky's dog with open hostility. 

She knows it can smell she's not human.

Binky asks whether Lucy is going to talk to Jamie. Lucy declares that she will talk to him today and she will get an apology. 

We cut back and forth between Lucy telling Binky her side of the story and Jamie telling Rosie his side of the story until, mercifully, Binky gets bored mid-sentence and decides to go to the pub.

"Yeah, yeah Jamie mmhm anyway PUB!"

More grass-on-wood action as Ashley and Cheska take some of their ancestors out for a ride.

Because posh people look like horses init.

The fillies discuss Ollie and how he is out with someone called 'Oscar' who is, according to Cheska, an 'arrogant lad'.

"I'm intrigued to meet him." says Ashley even though what she's really thinking is 'People can barely remember who I am, why are we bringing another new character in??'

Okay maybe that's just what I'm thinking. 

Then it is imperative that we look at more blurry fence:

and a bit of a tree:

and the top of a car:

Before we get to see Ollie's devastatingly hilarious asymmetrical quiff.

Totally worth the wait.

We're in Richard's factory. 

Recap: Richard is the blonde one who isn't Ashley or Cheska.

Apparently Richard has an invention he'd like to show Ollie.

I'm hoping Richard just thinks he invented folded black cloth.

Ollie says they ought to wait for Oscar, just as the 'arrogant lad' himself arrives. 

Just for a second, I'd like you to conjure up what you imagine a 'lad' to look like in your head. 

I can pretty much guarantee you weren't imagining this.

Then it's time for the big reveal and it turns out that...


He disappears for a second, presumably to fight crime, and Oscar and Ollie are left to chit chat. Just at that moment, by sheer happenstance, Ashley texts Ollie to say that she and Cheska would like for them to all go out for dinner. 

Oscar confesses that he doesn't much care for Cheska. "How is she anyway?" he asks, innocently. "Sat at home with a glass of pinot?"

Hahaha LAD.

Back in the countryside, this picture...

...is 100% incorrectly labelled.

As if the last scene didn't boast enough tall hair for you, we're subjected to both Josh and Spencer's quiffs in one conversation.

If Elvis were dead he'd be turning in his grave.

On a different table, Rosie, Stevie and Andy discuss Andy's status as #1 veto for Louise. Andy's quiff hasn't fared quite so well in the great outdoors. 

Unless his hair is infected too.

Fran comes over and Stevie and Rosie make an awkward getaway. Stevie's parting comment of 'Cuties!' sounds less like a friendly jibe and more like a serial killer's final words before dispatching with his latest victims. 

Fran proceeds to ask Andy out because apparently an infected face just really floats her boat. 

Resident Evil is like porn for her.

Here's a bit of dark and a bit of light in a diagonal.

Jamie comes out of the pub to 'use his phone' because Made In Chelsea can't show the fact that all its cast smoke. 

Jamie, pictured here dressed as the Ikea monkey again.

Uh oh! Away from all the warm humans in the pub, LucyBot's heat sensors have easily tracked him down. 

Heeeeeeeere's LUCY!

She begins to lay into Jamie about kissing her when he had a girlfriend. Jamie claims that he can't remember anything, and doesn't believe that she can either. 

Jamie's defence is flawed because robots can't get drunk.

They have a bit of an argument. So far so whiny Made In Chelsea. Then suddenly everything gets really uncomfortable as Jamie starts to not be able to finish his sentences.

Is he...?

Is he crying!?

Why is he crying!?

He walks away in tears. Naturally, Lucy feels terrible. 


For a bit of light relief after that awkward encounter, we get to watch Andy try to take Fran on a roof date. 

Here are some of Andy foolproof dating lines: 

"Did you save this evening in case our date went really well?"

"Are you quite domineering?"

"I get the impression that you were a naughty girl at school."

Luckily for him, Fran seems to enjoy 'creepy' as much as she likes 'infected'. 

Talking of creepy, here's Ollie's face. 

"My hair! IT GROWS!"

He's out on the aforementioned dinner with Ashley, Cheska, Oscar and Richard. Ashley is clearly convinced that Ollie and Oscar are involved, as she steams straight ahead with the question "What do you two normally do together?", which is not at all a normal thing to ask people. 

While Ollie listens nervously, Oscar lists the things that they do together.

"Fishing", he says. "Yes, yes! Fishing!" encourages Ollie. 

"Cheese?" ventures Oscar. "Yes! We love cheese! We eat cheese together!" says an ecstatic Ollie, convinced he's nearly got away with it.

"And we like watching soppy movies together in bed!" finishes Oscar, triumphantly.

"Damn it Oscar!"

Oscar KOs Ashley by telling her that his closeness with Ollie shouldn't bother her unless she is insecure about her relationship. 

Cheska is fuming.

She's so angry that it's made her hair curl up in rage.

Binky's mum heads to the spa. 

Where this man removes some of her hide. 

Binky herself has met up with Lucy for drinks to talk about that other time they went for drinks.

It looks like someone has tried in vain to keep LucyBot chained up somewhere with a hastily assembled collar.

"But their Earth-metal was futile against my Adamantium skeleton!"

She reckons Jamie remembers their kiss full well and now she wants to know if he's going to tell Tara or just 'carry on with this 'Lucy's crazy' shit.'

"Probably just carry on with this 'Lucy's crazy' shit." says Binky. 

"Because, well, you are."

On a random street somewhere, Jamie and Spencer are shopping for a present for Tara. After clarifying that it's not Tara's birthday, Spencer proves how good he is at being a boyfriend by saying, "Mate, nothing screams 'guilty' like a random present."

"And telling them you love them only demonstrates WEAKNESS."

They talk some more about Tara and Louise. Jamie has yet to still really deny that he did, in fact, kiss Lucy.

No one cares though because look at Spencer's stupid hat!

SOMEone's developed a penchant for looking like a snowman.

Giant lamp from underneath!

Man inside complicated fence!

Back on the roof, Frandy's date is winding up. Against all reason, Fran tells Andy she's glad she asked him out.

Then we have to get through a painful few moments where they stand really close together for ages. 

Headbutt him!

Sadly, she decides to kiss him instead. 

This is gross even if you forget he has an infected face.

Back on the world's most awkward dinner, Ollie hilariously comments that he was worried this dinner was going to be awkward. 


He is clearly a masochist as he continues by declaring that some people on the table haven't always got along. 

Chill out Cheska, he's not talking about you and your hairdresser.

Unexpectedly though, the problem appears to be between Cheska and Richard, not Cheska and Oscar as I previously thought. The two begin to bicker.

Ollie is enjoying the awkwardness so much that it looks like his head might explode.

"Who wants to hear about my gay porn collection next!?"

Just when I think I can't take any more homosexual tension, we're thrust into this equally awkward scenario. 

I never thought I'd dislike anything more than Spencer until I met his hat.

Andy reveals to Spencer with some relish that everyone thinks that the sex-in-Louise's-bed rumour is true. 

His natural creepiness is magnified tenfold by his face infection.

Spencer goes full Bill Clinton until he is somewhat stymied by Stevie gently reminding him that, actually, they discussed that he'd had sex with another girl in Louise's bed the day after the party. 

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
...Ohhh you mean that woman..."

The game is up and not even his hat can save him now. 

"Fuuuuuck, she is going to cry soooo muuuuuch."

Guess how the episode will end! 

If you said: 'hopefully Armageddon', no such luck, I'm afraid. It's just another pointless party.

It strikes me that the producers never really bother to explain the massive plot hole that all these people who apparently now hate each other still gather in small spaces to socialise. 

Louise pitches up while Spencer is attempting to talk to Lucy about Jamie.

Nothing makes Lucy happier than being in the presence of a couple she destroyed.


Cheska and Ashley chat at the bar. Cheska is feeling slightly more relaxed now. 

You can tell because her hair reflects her emotions.

Ashley on the other hand...

Her 'do just screams "I SUSPECT MY BOYFRIEND IS GAY!"

Ollie comes out over and Cheska leaves him and Ashley to fight it out. Ollie successfully distracts Ashley from the whole 'sleeping in bed with Oscar' issue with the much worse 'we spend too much time together' issue. Ashley has finally had enough. 

And marches her angry hair right outta there.

Nighttime fence and intense music tell us that drama is currently happening everywhere. 


Jamie is avoiding the party for LucyBot-shaped reasons and heads home to talk to Bob. 

Who can't decide whether he is a gangster or a librarian.

Apparently Jamie already spoke to Tara about Lucy and she already told him she fucking hates him and doesn't want to be with him. I'm pretty disappointed that we didn't get to see this.

It's my lucky day! Tara turns up at the door that very second, hopefully to tell him again on camera for our amusement.

"I'm here for Carli's amusement?"

Bob politely leaves them to talk. 

Although it might have been more helpful to take that dreadful painting away with him too.

To my disappointment, Tara doesn't physically assault Jamie at all. She just patiently states her case then looks worriedly at him while he continuously apologises.

At least Louise had the decency to throw some punches. 

Talking of the newly feisty one, back at the party her conversation with Rosie is interrupted by a sorry-looking Spencer. 

He has something to tell her, he says. The rumours are true. 

"You fucked someone in my bed?" Louise replies, flatly. 

Rosie looks like she's trying to repress giggles.

"Heeheehee she said 'fuck'!"

Louise claims that there is not a single thing that anyone in the world could do that is worse than what Spencer did. 

Oh man, it's going to be so bad when we get to that part of the film when Leeloo-uise Googles 'war'.

Anyway, Spencer is not very good at apologising because, before long, he decides that he's actually going to accuse Louise of having slept with him multiple times since they broke up. 

When she denies this, he then accuses her of being an 'embarrassment to social situations' and a 'mental joke', both of which about as much sense as that time he told Francis to keep his ear to the ground. 


He storms off, leaving Louise to say that she never ever wants to see him again while Rosie looks at her with eyes that say, "You totally slept with him last night, didn't you?"

Rosie sees all. Rosie knows all.

Next week on Made In Chelsea

Something terrible happens at the hairdressers...

 ...as Rosie's head gets turned into a knuckleduster.

Yetis are proved once and for all to be non-existent...

...as Louise kills the last of them to make her gillet.

And the world implodes with predictability as Spencer is revealed to be Lucy's operator!

Oh and Louise cries.

Next time?!
I think you mean EVERY TIME.

These people ought to be ashamed of themselves.

See you next week!

Remember, if you like BAD TV: Prove it.