Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Made In Chelsea: Season 5 Episode 11 - THE SEASON FINALE - In which we hopefully put an end to all this nonsense.

It's the SEASON FINALE Bad TV fans!

In the event that this posh hot mess is finally cancelled once and for all, this could possibly be the last ever Made In Chelsea review I write. A fact that makes me both a little bit sad and a lot endlessly overjoyed at the same time.

To kick things off, let's begin with my #fencewatch fan award, which this week goes to @JOSIEROBS for finding this fantastic fence mélange.

Look at all the fence. 

Since it is the finale, I'd also like to make special mention of my #fencewatch Fan of the Season

Congratulations to... @sarahheland!

Not only did Sarah provide us with a moving tale of #fencewatch suicide in Episode 9, she is now highlighting the plight of shocked fences in Peckham Rye. 

This made me laugh probably a lot more than it should have done.

Anyway, let's do this shit.

Previously on Made In Chelsea

- Upon being asked what sort of girls they go for, Richard and Oscar did this:

"I don't really have a type... of GIRL."

- Spencer told LucyBot that he was falling in love with her, causing her system to begin emitting a 'happy' noise that is so high-pitched only dickheads can hear it.

- And this red wine did its best to spill itself over one of Spencer's endless wardrobe of white shirts.

"Why do you not own any other types of shirts, Spencer??"

The last ever Quote of the Day goes to Millie Mackintosh, with what is possibly the most damning thing anyone has said about anyone else, ever.

If someone said this about me I would probably impale myself on the nearest fence. 

The episode opens at St Pancras station.

Where Andy is wearing a woman's jumper.

After we are forced to watch him leave the world's most boring answer phone message regarding train delays, we move on to...

Blurry fence!

Futuristic car!

Before finally landing on Jamie's 'office', which we've already established is nothing of the sort.

This may as well be a picture of some sweets.


Francis makes a flamboyant entrance into Jamie's playpen and for a moment I think he shouts "I've got Jews!" but it turns out he actually said 'juice'. 

"Did someone say Bar Mitzvah?!"

"Bwuuuuuugh!" burbles Baby Jamie in greeting.

The boys tuck into some sandwiches and begin to discuss Spencer and Lucy's relationship.

"He said to me that he was never going to get into another relationship, for a while." says Jamie, nonsensically.

Francis looks a bit like he's just realised what poor friendship choices he's made in life.

"Why am I here?"

In fact he is so bored by Jamie's Spencer-related prattling, he decides to leave.


"No worries." says Daddy Cool Boulle.

Then he stands up, knocks his chair over and walks into the door. 

Ok, thanks Francis, bye!

Meanwhile, this vase of flowers is being poured a glass of champagne.

"That's enough, thank you." - flowers.

Binky'sMum, Binky and LucyBot are also there. Binky'sMum downs her glass almost immediately. 

"Going down nicely?" asks Binky, with all the bitterness of a child who knows their mother loves champagne more than them. 

"Yes thank you, darling." responds Binky'sMum blithely, "Never a wrong time to drink champagne."

"Except throughout the entirety of my formative years." thinks Binky.

LucyBot looks about as thrilled as normal to be interacting with humans. 

"Why. Do. We. Have. To. Talk. To. The. Old. Ones.?."

Talk moves on to her relationship with Spencer, just in time for the stupid-haired shitface to turn up himself.

He smarms his hellos to everyone, telling Binky'sMum that she looks marvellous.

"You are so full of shit." says Binky'sMum.

"Fuck you you old hag!"

Binky makes everything more awkward by bringing up the fact that Louise has returned from university and that Andy is throwing her a surprise graduation party.

Spencer and LucyBot then proceed to slag off Andy and Louise because, you know, they are so happy together as a couple that they don't even care about Andy and Louise at all whatsoever and, obviously, everyone is so over everyone else.

"Hahaha we're laughing but sometimes we cry at night and we don't know why."

Oh, fence.

I'm going to miss you fence.

Well, I would miss you if you didn't keep popping up every two seconds.

All right, give it a rest.

Some blonde humans and a blonde dog are playing in the park, only to be approached by some brunette humans with their brunette dogs. 

Even the dogs in Chelsea get typecast by their hair colour.

OH MY GOD IS THAT HERBY!? I thought Herby was dead!

Obviously Millie's assassination attempt from series four failed, and this time Herby's not sticking around for the next one.

Run, Herby! RUN!

The girls chat a little bit about Doga, which is Dog Yoga. This doesn't even bear thinking about so, for the moment, we'll contemplate how much Rosie really does look like her dog. 

They both have the same air of ghostly melancholy.

Cheska asks the girls if they've seen Louise yet. Millie says that she has spoken to Louise and that Louise was talking about wanting to split Spencer and Lucy up, despite being so very happy with Andy.

Rosie reckons that the awkward situation will mean that neither couple will work out.

Rosie's dog is about as bored of all this as I am.

After waiting at St Pancras for what seems like days, Andy is finally reunited with Louise.

Who creeps up on him with all the joy of a particularly enthusiastic bunny boiler.

Andy tells her he has a surprise for her. Louise squeaks that she doesn't like surprises.

I'm fairly sure she's bound not to like this one either, as Andy's surprise graduation party consists of a small handful of bored-looking Made In Chelsea characters, whom I'm assuming were the only ones free for this particular shoot.

Surprise! Happy graduation! No one else could be bothered to turn up!

"I thought we'd get everyone together to welcome you back to London!" says Andy looking pleased with himself. 

You brought a small group of people together to drink in a bar in Chelsea, Andy? 
That must have been so hard to organise considering this is what you ALL DO EVERY DAY.

After the drinks have been poured, Louise, Andy, Jamie and Francis chat. Not one to enjoy being happy for too long, Louise brings up Spencer. Out of the blue, she accuses Andy of trying to be good friends with him before immediately stating that she should also try to be good friends with him too.

A baffled looking Andy assures her that he's not good friends with Spencer. 

"Whatever." says Louise.

Louise's Geography course included modules on globalisation, environmental policy and being a bitch.

We cram in a bit more fence...

Before moving on to the next day at Lucy and Stevie's flat, where poor Stevie is confronted with a morning-time Spencer in his boxers.

Enough to make you throw up in your flowery mug, isn't it Stevie?

Things get worse for Stevie when he realises that the boxers Spencer is wearing actually belong to him. "Why are you wearing my boxers?" asks Stevie.

Spencer says he is wearing them because he likes that the boxers say 'great tackle'. Spencer claims this is true of his tackle.

"Ask... yer flatmate." he says, with all the charm and charisma of a drunk Alan Partridge.

"Get out."

Said flatmate comes in and sits down, and the new couple attempt to look loved up. 

They are not very good at it.

Then we head off to Tom's Kitchen to join this trio of repressed sexuality.

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Ollie announces that Fran and Cheska will be arriving imminently. Oscar admits to having a crush on Fran, hence the reason he was a bumbling wreck at their last encounter instead of the 'smooth fox' he claims to be normally. 

I think if you call yourself a 'smooth fox' it is safe to assume you have never done anything smooth in your life.

The ladies arrive and Oscar makes up for being a bumbling idiot last time by being even more of a bumbling idiot this time. 

He attempts to ask Fran out on a date, only to say 'FUCK!' halfway through a sentence before relying on Richard to ask her for him.

This is what my face looks like for much of this scene too.

You didn't think that was as awkward as it was going to get did you? 

Oh no, this being Made In Chelsea, the whole thing has to get ten times more painful, with Fran then admitting to Oscar that she can't date him because she had an 'incident' with Ollie.

"He incidentally fell into my pants. Penis first."

The awkwardness is too much to bear so we'll leave them and head to London Aquarium where Spencer proves how much of a bastard he is by SLAPPING A TURTLE.


He and Lucy convene in front of the giant shark tank, an appropriate meeting place for two supervillains in love. 

Turtle slapping aside, everything seems lovely until Spencer takes his usual turn for the bizarre.

"Do you like sharks or what?" he asks, "Do you want my passwords and my phone??"

"Something has gone terribly wrong here."

A worried-looking Lucy assures Spencer she doesn't want to look through his phone. 

Spencer says he doesn't want to talk about Louise then talks extensively about how Louise liked to look through his phone. Having said that, he decides that Lucy can look through his phone if she wants to.

"...kay?" says Lucy.

Wondering if the fastest way out of here is just to swim for it.

Back at his house, poor Stevie never gets to enjoy a quiet cup of tea, as Andy is next to show up on his doorstep looking for a chat. 

Andy is not okay.

You can tell because his nostrils have gone really small.

He proceeds to tell Stevie that Louise had drinks with Niall from One Direction a male friend last night and failed to come home. 

Andy says that, when he went round to hers this morning to see if she was okay... SHE WASN'T THERE. 

Stevie is DISGUSTED.

Apparently, Louise had lied and said she and Niall from One Direction her friend were drinking in London when really she knew she was staying the night at Niall from One Direction the mystery man's house outside the city.

Stevie wonders how she could do this to Andy when Spencer did the same to her. 

To my surprise, Andy starts crying. 

Oh my God, Louise has turned into Spencer and ANDY HAS TURNED INTO LOUISE.

That's all a bit heavy for Made In Chelsea so the producers quickly whip up something more lighthearted in the form of a Doga class with Millie, Rosie, Binky, Cheska and their dogs. 

Although, in actual fact, I find dog yoga more disturbing than watching Andy weep. 

Herby feels the same way.

Back at the flat and after Andy leaves, Stevie gets barely two minutes to relax before Lucy and Spencer happen to him again. 

Good to see Spencer sporting yet another item from his hugely varied wardrobe.

Even though he really shouldn't, Stevie tells the pair about Louise's potential infidelity.

Although he does preface the story with an amazing 'oohh I really shouldn't be telling you this' face.

LucyBot is very sad for her poor dear friend Andy.

She just doesn't understand what 'sad' is supposed to look like.

Stevie and Lucy question why Louise would say she loved Andy and then sleep with Niall from One Direction other people. 

"Yep, that's terrible behaviour." says Spencer. 

I mean, who does that? Right, Spencer??

Back at Doga, the girls are discussing Louise's indiscretion as well. Apparently Louise told Rosie nothing had happened between her and Niall from One Direction the mystery man but the girls look dubious. 

"I'm really, really disappointed." says Millie.

See how disappointed she is?

Later that night, Francis and Bob join Phoebe and Fran for drinks. 

Yeah I know, I thought we'd got rid of her too.

They talk about a party Jamie is hosting the following night, which I'm assuming will be the obligatory end-of-episode end-of-series bitchfest.

Bob also drops the bombshell that the other Fran might be bringing Ollie to the party after their little tryst.

"Are you serious? Really??" says this Fran.

Aren't they sisters?

The boys are also surprised that she didn't already know. Fran 2 replies that she hasn't seen Fran 1 for a while. 

Maybe it's because you didn't invite her on your little holiday with Phoebe. 
 Maybe it's because you made her a BARCE-LONER.

Elsewhere, Andy decides to confront Louise.

Since both these characters are now big fans of crying, the barman has to put out extra glasses to catch all the tears.

Louise begins by playing the innocent card, claiming she didn't have her phone the whole time she was with Niall from One Direction her friend. When Andy tells her he knows she was sending snapchats to Binky and Rosie, she moves on to downright laughing in his face. 

"Heehee! I've turned into Spencer now! It's the only way I can be near him!"

Andy tries to reason with her, asking how she would feel if he did the same. Louise claims she wouldn't mind because she doesn't get jealous. 

Before we all get the chance to do a big collective LOL, she's forced to clarify "...any more...".

Andy decides to walk out after realising that, if she actually gave a shit about their relationship, the whole bar would be flooded by now. 

Louise proves how much she cares by doing this face:

It's a good job she's so happy and in love with him or I would have thought their relationship was in serious trouble.  

We take a brief respite to enjoy shadow fence...

Then it's time for the last party of the season, which is being hosted in the grand location of...


Everyone is having SO MUCH FUN!

There's laughing!


Giant champagne!

Boob grabbing!

The Frans are reunited but the Barce-loner is forced to wear red so you can tell she's not really part of the gang anymore.

Fran status: revoked.
Hand in your blonde hair and black clothing.

I've said it before but I'll say it again: what on earth is wrong with Phoebe?

What... what are you doing down there Phoebe?

Elsewhere Andy, Stevie and Jamie discuss Louise's night with Niall from One Direction her male friend.

Jamie hilariously overreacts by saying, "Honestly, she's dead to me."

"Ohmigod Jamie shut uuuuuup."

As if things weren't bad enough for poor Andy, Spencer comes over to gloat. "Ummmmm, yah, sorry to hear about what happened." he says, gleefully.


In another room, Mark, Binky, Millie and Rosie discuss their summer plans. Millie says she's going to Glastonbury and Mark and Binky are very impressed since they have never been to a festival before. 

"Are you camping??" asks Binky, shocked.

"Yeah I'm camping." says Millie "Well, in a winnebago."

So, no, you're not fucking camping then are you Millie.

Nearby, Cheska tries to bitch about Ollie's sexuality to Binky but even Binky is so bored of this conversation that she cuts it short and we move on to Jamie and Phoebe. 

I can never tell if Phoebe is always really drunk or just naturally like this.

Probably the drunk thing.

Jamie finally tells her he likes her and that he wishes he wasn't with his girlfriend. Phoebe says she feels the same and the pair share a little cuddle.

I have a feeling that Jamie's dilemma might be instantly solved when his girlfriend sees this.

LucyBot takes Andy aside to see if he's okay. Andy says he really doesn't want to talk to either her or Spencer about it.

To her credit, LucyBot has finally nailed an expression of genuine concern.

Yes LucyBot! No one could ever guess you have an adamantium skeleton!

Uh oh, Louise has arrived. 

She is greeted with about the same reaction as a cat person walking into the Salem witch trials.

As Louise approaches the girls, Prosecutor Millie storms right in. "Did anything happen between you and Niall from One Direction your friend??" she probes, before declaring: "It's not right to treat Andy like that, especially when you've been treated so badly by Spencer."

Since it wouldn't be the season finale without it, we finally get to enjoy one last game of:


Ooh not yet!

I'm excited!

It's just like old times!


I knew she couldn't stay tear-total all this time! 

Now reverted back to her natural soggy state, Louise goes to find Andy, who is still sat with Lucy. 

As Louise approaches, Lucy gets up to leave but not before asking "Now who's the slutty one?"

Ohhhhh! BotBurn!

Louise sits down and immediately attempts to apologise for staying the night with Niall from One Direction her friend. 

Sadly, she also seems to have inherited Spencer's apology skills. When Andy says he'd like to know that this won't happen again, she yells 'I can only say so much! Stop fucking putting me in this position!"

"Because I really like sleeping with Niall from One Direction my friend!"

Since he is now Old Louise, Andy gives in and agrees to take her back anyway.

I feel sorry for him but I also really want him to do up his shirt.

Glowing from the pride of her BotBurn, Lucy returns to Spencer, only to be knocked down completely when he says he wants to talk to Louise.

"Why?" she asks. 

"Just to make sure she's okay." he replies.

LucyBot looks like she's pondering how she will kill him.

"It'll have to be something slow and painful."

Sadly, she instead decides to patiently explain why she might not be the biggest fan of him heading off to comfort Louise.

"Lucy!" says Spencer, "You're being RIDICULOUS."

Says this man. With this hair.

Lucy walks off in a huff but Spencer couldn't care less.

"You think a man who slaps turtles is going to give a shit what a robot thinks?"

He goes off to find Louise in the kitchen and tells her he was shocked to hear what she did. He asks whether she would have done that when they were together. (This loosely translates as 'Inflate my already giant ego, bitch!')

"Noooo!" coos a doe-eyed Louise.

Louise Thompson, you are positively shit at being 'over Spencer'. 

Encouraged that he can worm his way back in, Spencer then proceeds to say that he never meant to hurt her. In fact, he claims, a part of him will always love her.

"I know." says Louise.

"And I also know that that time you slept with another girl in my bed was probably really my own fault too."

Then she goes back to Andy, Spencer goes back to Lucy and everyone kisses and makes up quickly, easily and with no dialogue because it says so in the script.

In the end, it's down to Millie to have the last word of the series. "I'll be surprised if they last the summer." she remarks to Rosie.

"I wish I wasn't so alone." thinks Rosie.

And then it ends.


That's it.

Thanks for accompanying me through this whole shoddy series Bad TV fans! I would bid you farewell but, let's face it, they're going to make another bloody series aren't they?

Don't forget to tune in to E4 next Monday at 10 p.m. for the End of Season Party hosted by Rick Edwards, which I will be attempting to liveblog via my Twitter: @Carli_H