Apologies for the late post this week, I genuinely forgot Made in Chelsea existed for a good five days.
Now it's ruined.
Previously on Made in Chelsea
- Louise played a game of Point At The Person With The Most Made Up Sounding Surname.
- Jules almost definitely decided to murder Rosie.
- But pulled it together in time to enjoy his first ever kiss!
This weeks QOTD comes from Rosie, who really hates Monopoly.
Rosie is such a drag on games night.
They are running around what appears to be a CGI vision of the future.
At Bob and Stevie's overly fairy-lit apartment, LucyBot and RoboRiley look pissed off at stuff.
"Why are there so many fairy lights in here? It's fucking mental."
Stevie blabs on about Billie and Spencer while Lucy pulls a series of increasingly bored-looking faces.
I would make fun of her but this is how I look when I'm watching Made in Chelsea too.
Back to the future where the boys have finished their jog and are now hanging out strangely far apart from each other.
It's either that or this is the opening scene of Honey, I Shrunk Bob and Jamie.
The topic du jour is American 'chick' Billie who's twisting everyone's melons by dating Spencer and Stevie at the same time.
The boys speculate who will win this game because women are just things to be won, obvs.
"Hahahaha ahhhh... I really am a prick."
Meanwhile, Mark Francis is still attempting to pull off an air of sophistication by quoting Oscar Wilde on a shopping trip.
Unfortunately, Binky is the only person there to hear it.
"LOL OSCAR WHAT?"
There is a clumsy conversation in which Mark just *happens* to need shit loads of leather and Binky just *happens* to know a creepy intense leather-selling man then it's the end of pretend shopping time.
Mark refuses to step foot in a taxi so Binky leaves him standing on the street.
"But what will I do with all these empty pretend shopping bags??"
Where's that lazy bitch Gianna when you need her, eh Mark?
Talking of the creepy leather-selling one, he's taking Louise and her unavoidably see-through top on a date to his leather factory -- which rates about 100 on the Terrifyingly Texas Chainsaw Massacre-esque Date Scale.
Until anyone asks him where he gets the leather from, we can't be 100% sure it's not the skin of people.
Hold up! It gets creepier! He also lives in the factory too!
"You're going to kill me and wear me now, aren't you?"
Louise's fate is sealed and Alik goes in for the kill.
First he eats their faces off then he turns their skin into backwards baseball caps.
I don't know if it's the utilitarian nature of the ironwork or the lack of je ne sais quoi in the spikes but American fencewatch is really boring me of late.
Perhaps it's time for a new #watch. #Americanpeoplebeingoverlysincerewatch? I don't know. Ideas in the comments, please.
Jules is on a date with Rosie. They discuss the speed of Rosie's metabolism, which is a pretty good indicator of how well that date is going.
"YOU'RE NOT FAT."
"Oh-ho, you're too kind..."
"Oh-ho, you're too kind..."
Then Jules calls himself a lesbian, criticises people who lie about being exclusive even though he's got like 20 wives and then stares Rosie out until everyone gets so uncomfortable we have to cut to some buildings.
Handy hint, Jules: blinking is your friend.
Elsewhere, the robots and Billie are pretend having their hair done.
"You guys look nice," says RoboRiley after the hairdressers finish doing absolutely fuck all.
The girls say thank you. Nobody tells Riley she looks nice.
Know your place Riley, it is beneath your robot overlord.
LucyBot interrogates Billie on the Spencer-Stevie love triangle, while her henchbot Riley stands over her shoulder looking threatening.
Don LucyBot makes it clear that she doesn't want Stevie to get hurt but tells Billie that she can 'date who she wants.'
"The boss says you can date who want but the boss assures you that what you want is Stevie."
Later that night, Bob throws a pirate party!
That is the only acceptable explanation for this.
Also at the party, Rosie, Binky and Louise catch up on each other's news. Louise begins by talking of her near-death encounter with Alik.
"We pulled and I felt like a slut!" she yells happily.
"Then he tried to kill me so I left!"
Not at the party however, are Spencer and Billie. Instead they've gone on a champagne tasting date.
Spencer has donned a wet-look quiff, musketeer shirt, dodgy French accent and smug attitude for the occasion.
"You're so knowledgable." says Billie after he explains champagne at her.
"Yah." agrees Spencer.
He doesn't even need to put gel in his hair, he just uses the slime collected from his general person.
Billie is reluctant at first but all Spencer has to do is employ his time-old pick up line, 'Your hands are laughably small', and the silly cow's convinced.
Seriously, that line has now worked on two separate, hopefully un-drugged, women.
Back at the pirate party, Stevie is now wearing Bob's bandana on his wrist.
I presume this means they've been up to some salty sea dogging.
Jamie comes over to ruin Stevie's post-coital glow by telling him he's just had a text from Spencer to say that Spencer and Billie kissed.
Because you haven't really kissed someone unless you've texted your friend to tell them you've kissed someone.
The next morning, Louise and Binky take Mark Francis to see illicit leather dealer Alik.
Alik's outfit today is New Romantic Aladdin.
That's quite enough of that so we'll head over to a hat shop.
Where Bob is searching for new ways to embarrass himself sartorially.
Spencer is also trying on hats, including one which he calls The Heisenberg.
Don't you dare speak his name.
Heisenberg would eat you alive, bitch.
We enjoy a little sojourn to meet the saddest statue in the world...
He is most upset to have been so casually shat on.
...before we join the Robotwins, who have convened to be bitchy at Jamie for a bit.
They discuss Stevie's heartbreak, just in time for us to encounter the man himself.
Taking a stroll next to a *particularly* ugly fence.
He's on his way to meet Billie, but not before we have to watch Billie having a long heartfelt chat with Carson about her feelings.
I presume that's what they're talking about anyway, I can't understand their weird language with no u's.
Back at the skin factory, Louise has retreated to her comfort zone and wrapped herself in something dead.
They discuss Rosie and Jules' burgeoning relationship but Alik decides it's high time he ratted out his polyamorous bezzie.
"Pollywhatta?" <-- ACTUAL BINKY QUOTE.
We leave them shocked and astounded to rejoin Billie, who is now talking to Stevie about their love triangle.
Stevie tells her to SHOVE IT YANKEE BITCH.
Not so much out loud but he says it with his eyes.
His sassy, sassy eyes.
Oh for God's sake must we endure baseball again?
Anyway, I think you mean ROUNDERS.
Made in Chelsea can't go too long without some idiots talking about relationships and people making out though, so the baseball game is quickly replaced by idiots talking about relationships and people making out.
I've changed my mind, let's go back to baseball.
Please PLEASE GO BACK TO BASEBALL.
Thankfully this truly horrific kiss is put to a stop as BARRY SCOTT OUT OF NOWHERE!
Saved by the bellend.
Yes, Louise's little brother and cleaning product salesman extraordinaire Barry Scott reenters Made in Chelsea with a (Cilit) bang.
He couldn't possibly look any more like he should be part of the cast of The Inbetweeners.
Barry is just so excited to be in America, especially upon hearing lots of cool Americanisms.
"You're banging my sister? I LOVE THE WAY AMERICANS SPEAK!"
Barry heads over to the batting cage to discuss the Billie Love Triangle with Jamie and Riley.
Riley and Jamie have a bet over who Billie will pick. Riley reckons she'll pick Stevie, Jamie reckons Spencer. If Jamie wins, he says Riley has to eat a 'club sandwich filled with horrible things'. Riley says, if she wins, Jamie has to run around New York in a hotdog suit.
That is a shit dare Riley. Jamie is literally going to feed you a sandwich filled with his penis and you came up with hotdog suit.
Robots are rubbish at dares.
Robots are rubbish at dares.
We take a short break to play some more baseball...
And to learn the ridiculously pleasing fact that Spencer runs like a camp Tyrannosaurus Rex.
...before Louise and Binky decide to tell Rosie about Jules' polyamorous tendencies.
Unfortunately Binky still thinks 'polyamorous' is something you use to fill wall cracks.
At least she does her best friendship smile while she says it.
Oh joy! Rosie has decided to confront Jules about his sexual preferences!
Always a good conversation to have your friends around for.
Jules defends himself by calling himself an 'ethical slut' but, when Rosie's onslaught becomes too much, he just does X Factor hands at her until she asks him to leave.
"This will make them think I'm less weird!"
Then it's down to Billie and Stevie to wrap up the episode as Stevie urges his American sweetheart to make a decision between him and Spencer.
Oh my God chill the fuck out it's been like a week.
Still, there's nothing a girl loves more than being trapped in an intense discussion by a guy she's been on a date with once, so Stevie wins the day and gets his lady.
YAY FOR THE SOCIALLY AWKWARD!
Next week on Made in Chelsea
- Spencer spends so much time in Bob's apartment that he ends up sprouting fairy lights from both ears.
- Alik has yet to learn the meaning of the term 'personal space'.
- And Lucy accidentally engages in some robot-on-robot phone sex with Siri.
See you there!